Step by Step Parenting

When I was four months postpartum, I opened up about some of the things that I was having a hard time with. I think a part of me thought that maybe by writing out my feelings, and sharing them with the world, that I would feel better. It didn’t really work, though, so I’m gonna try it again now that I’m six months postpartum. Here are the top five things I find myself struggling with six months out from birthing twins.

1. I feel constantly misunderstood

It’s hard to say whether this is a typical postpartum feeling to have, or if it’s specific to having twins, but I feel constantly misunderstood. A lot of people in my life don’t understand why I can’t just do whatever I did before in life, but just bring the twins. They don’t understand the mental load that I carry around with my everywhere I go: When’s the last time the babies ate? and Do I need to bring milk with me while we’re out? and Will this mess up their naptime? and Will this mess up their bedtime? and What if the babies cry inconsolably while we’re out? and a dozen other constant concerns.

Also, most people in my life don’t have kids, or haven’t had a baby in a long, long time. These people think they “get it,” but having friends or sisters or coworkers that you’ve watched go through it isn’t the same as going through it, and going through it isn’t the same as being in it. Sometimes, I wish I knew more postpartum moms that were in the trenches along with me. I don’t think most people in my life even comprehend how hard I’m working to act and function as if nothing has happened, when in reality, my identity and life are permanently altered. Honestly, I think I probably deserve some sort of award?

2. I feel really lonely and isolated

Because I feel misunderstood, I feel really lonely and isolated. Many of my loved ones are super sympathetic and patient listeners, but at the end of the day, none of them can walk a mile in my shoes, so to speak. It’s really hard to explain to anyone what I’m going through, so I just don’t try anymore. And to be clear, I don’t feel lonely as a result of the people in my life. Instead, I feel lonely because I feel like while I’m going through this wild and tumultuous journey that is postpartum, the rest of the world is just spinning as if nothing is happening.

3. I feel like my emotions have control of me, and not the other way around

It’s been almost a month since I weaned and stopped breastfeeding, and although in most aspects, I feel better as a result, in just a few, I feel worse. My cycle is kind of back, but kind of not, and it’s as if my hormones are in a state of shock. My symptoms are all over the place, and I’m experiencing things like backaches, cramps, extra oily skin, and insomnia almost every day. Maybe not all the same day, but at least a few.

Knowing that any unexplainable irritation or anxiety I feel is the result of hormones doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. It’s easy to dismiss a lot of my feelings as, “Oh, I’m just hormonal!” but that doesn’t make the feelings less real. I often feel like my emotions are driving the car, and I’m just along for the ride.

4. I feel really sensitive and vulnerable

This one might be the hardest to cope with. Pre-pregnancy, I felt pretty confident in all aspects of my life. I liked who I was as a person, I knew my heart and my intentions, I felt good about the direction my life was heading. If someone didn’t like me, I generally didn’t give a crap. I tried my best to be a good daughter, friend, mother, and wife, but if a classmate or a coworker or even an old friend and I just didn’t click, I didn’t waste to much of my time stressing about it.

Now, though? Oh man, things could not be different. I am hyperaware of every negative way any of my words or actions could be taken. I am constantly worried that I’m a bad wife, that I’m a burden or annoyance to my friends, that I’m a sad excuse of a mom. I take everything that is said about me to heart, even if it was meant as a joke or even if it was said by someone whose opinion shouldn’t matter anyways. Overall, I just feel very sensitive. But being aware of that doesn’t make the feelings any easier to ignore.

5. I am struggling with my body image, but not in a way I was prepared for

To be candid, the number on the scale is the lowest it’s been since high school. But while everyone is telling me I look great, I don’t feel great. I feel so depleted and fatigued that I don’t even think that I could handle adding running back into my life. And it turns out, it never really was about a specific weight. My brain has instead pivoted and just found other things to hate. My postpartum baby hairs, the bald spots, the loose skin, the stretch marks. My body doesn’t feel entirely my own, and all of the changes are just hard to navigate sometimes. I try my best, and I know that I’m my own harshest critic, but a lot of days, I really struggle. It’s another aspect of my life that just feels like a constant uphill battle.

All this to say, there are lots of amazing, wonderful things happening in my life right now. I am truly so grateful for my sweet husband, my best friend, my family, my beautiful twin girls, my three awesome older kiddos, my dog, our home, my job — the list goes ON.

But I also think it’s okay to admit that even though I feel immense gratitude, life is still hard sometimes. That doesn’t make me ungrateful or weak or annoying or anything else my wild postpartum brain tries to convince me I am; it makes me human.

To all of the postpartum mamas out there, I hope you see even bits and pieces of yourself in this article, and that my words helped you feel a little less alone. I promise — and this is a promise to myself as much as anyone else — that things do get easier. I have learned that from experience. I can’t tell you exactly how soon, but I can tell you that if you just keep putting one foot in front of another, and taking things one day at a time, that one day you’ll wake up and realize you feel like yourself again. Or, more likely, you’ll realize that you’ve grown into someone even better.