Step by Step Parenting

My divorce was riddled with uncertainty, as most are.

I had been sitting with the decision for months, weighing whether I should stay to try and fix the marriage, or leave in hopes of a better life ahead. I was actively journaling in the months before, during, and after my divorce, and there are many pros and cons list in those pages. I was so worried that I was making the wrong decision, and worse, that I was going to ruin my daughter’s life. I knew I could handle whatever outcome, but my daughter was barely two at the time. As her mother, I knew that I owed it to her to provide her the best childhood that I possibly could. How could I do that if her dad and I divorced before she was even old enough to form lasting memories?

This November will mark four years since my ex-husband and I separated, and I can confidently say that I made the right choice. In fact, I became convinced of this around six months after my divorce. But before then, those six months were a space of uncertainty and doubt. Here’s everything I wish I could go back in time and tell that version of myself:

1. You will learn to love yourself more than you ever though possible once you’re divorced.

My confidence sunk to an all-time low while I was married. A lot of this had to do with factors out of my ex and I’s control. I was only nineteen when we got married, so to go from nineteen, to pregnant, to postpartum, was a lot. I don’t think I was prepared for all of the changes my body would go through, and between that and my crippling postpartum depression, I didn’t recognize who was looking back at me in the mirror anymore.

Before the divorce, I was putting so much effort towards survival and taking care of my daughter, that I barely had any time for taking care of myself. Towards the end of our marriage, I really started to focus on eating better, therapy and journaling, and running, but I think that was because a part of me had already checked out. A part of me knew what was coming, knew that I would have to be able to take care of myself and love myself because nobody else would.

My divorce forced me to take care of myself in ways I never had before. Ignoring my feelings was no longer an option. I learned how to navigate my thoughts and feelings better than ever before, and suddenly, once I was putting so much effort into taking care of myself, I realized that I was starting to love myself more than I ever had in my life. I began to recognize just how much I had gone through, both during my marriage and even before, and that realization triggered a profound compassion and forgiveness for myself that helped heal inner wounds both new and old.

2. Your support system will become so much stronger once you’re divorced, and you finally won’t feel so lonely.

When I was married, I felt like I had to handle everything myself, and couldn’t confide in anyone about how I was really struggling. I felt like as a wife, I owed it to my husband to not speak poorly of him to anyone. In fact, I still feel that way even now that we’re divorced, and you won’t ever find me going into the specifics of why our marriage fell apart or speaking negatively about him in any way. That being said, I wish I had known that I could have opened up to those around me without disparaging my ex.

Once I finally explained to my family and friends how I had been feeling, not needing to include too many details about my ex, they understood where I was coming from, and rallied around me. My family became some of my best friends, and to this day, I think my relationship with my family is better before of my divorce.

My support system became stronger once I was divorced because it had to. I would not have survived the aftermath of my marriage ending if I hadn’t been surrounded by family and friends who loved me deeply. As I went on to graduate college, begin law school, get married again, and have more babies, this support system that I built post-divorce continued to cheer me on and lift me up, on the good days and the bad. For the first time in years, I finally no longer felt isolated, and I knew that I had people in my corner I could turn to.

3. YOU will become so much stronger once you’re divorced.

This is maybe the biggest thing I wish I could go back and tell myself immediately post-divorce. People look at my life now — full-time law school, five kids, running, writing, etc. — and often ask how I “do it all.” I am only capable of handling so much now because after my divorce, I had to become strong enough to drag myself out of the darkest and lowest place I had ever been in.

I got physically stronger after divorce, yes. I got really into running, and went on to run three ultramarathons in the twelve months that followed. But that was simply a side effect of the mental strength that I built up during that time. Every day when I would wake up, I would have to convince myself to keep going. That better things were ahead. That everything would work out. I didn’t know how, and I had no idea what specifically was waiting for me, but I had the desire to find out.

4. You will find love again after divorce.

When I made the decision to end my marriage, I remember telling a good friend at the time that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than stay in a relationship where I didn’t feel valued and loved. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I would not be alone forever; rather, I would end up finding someone who loved me so completely, that I won’t be able to believe I ever settled for anything less.

I didn’t set out looking for a new relationship after I got divorced, which I think is how I ended up stumbling into something truly special. The cliché of, “You’ll find love when you least expect it!” turned out to be true. Of course, there were still hard moments. Choosing to trust someone with your heart after years of pain is no simple feat, and my now-husband was also going through similar struggles. But it was so, so worth it in the end, and I wish I could give that past version of myself a tiny glimpse of the joy and love that’s in her life today.

5. You will have more kids after your divorce.

This is something that was heavy on my heart once I got divorced. My ex-husband and I were never quite on the same page about when, or even whether, to grow our family, and I was worried that after divorce, that opportunity was gone forever. I had never wanted to have kids too far apart in age, but with my daughter already being two-and-a-half when we got divorced, I didn’t see a way around it. I felt like I had failed her because she wouldn’t have any siblings.

This goes hand-in-hand with the point above, though. I didn’t see myself getting married again, ever. Not only was I able to find love again, but my husband happened to have two kids from his previous marriage: one who was a little bit older than my daughter, and one only five months younger. They got along like a house fire, and I realized that I had spent all of that time worrying about my daughter for nothing.

If that wasn’t enough, my husband and I went on to have twins. I am eternally grateful that we got a two-for-one deal, and are blessed with two babies to love on and raise together. I don’t know what the future holds in store for our family, but I do know that if the twins are my last babies, that I savored every second of pregnancy and their newborn days as if they were my last.

6. You will build a life for yourself and your family that you love.

When I got divorced, I was just shy of twenty-three with no college degree, and my only work experience was in retail stores and at fast food restaurants. I knew I wanted to be able to provide the best life possible for my daughter, but didn’t know if I was going to be able to pull it off. I had always wanted to go to law school, but as a newly single mom, lots of obstacles lay in my path. Who would watch my daughter every day while I went to school? How would I afford law school? Would I be able to get all of the studying done that I needed to in order to succeed?

Now, as someone who gave birth to twins in the middle of their second year of law school, I look back at those worries and almost laugh. In the grand scheme of things, they were such small problems, even if they felt colossal at the time. I wish I could go back to that version of myself and tell her that she would figure it out. She would graduate college, she would make it through law school, and she will be okay.

There are so many more things I wish I could tell the freshly-divorced version of myself. I wish I could take her out for lunch and answer all of her questions until the restaurant started serving dinner. I wish I could give her my number so that she could text me anytime she was nervous, or stressed, or not sure if things would work out.

But I know that she didn’t need any of that. The version of me that got divorced was tough as nails, even if she didn’t feel like it, and today, she’s just even tougher. If anything, I wish I could tell her that I’m proud of her, and she’s doing a damn good job.

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