Step by Step Parenting

It’s crazy to think that this summer will mark three years of being in my stepkids’ lives. Although I didn’t “officially” become their stepmom until April of 2025 when I got married, I think even their mom would agree that my step-parenting role began long before that.

When my husband and I met, we both had kids still in diapers.

Since then we’ve navigated potty training together, sent two kids off to kindergarten, handled loose teeth and tooth fairy visits, had family photos taken, played Santa, and gone on family vacations.

I think a part of me thought that by doing all of those things, we’d feel like a real, “normal” family.

That once I figured out how to be a stepmom, that was it, and I wouldn’t have to figure it out again.

And most of all, I think a part of me really believed that I loved all three kids the exact same way.

But over three years into step-parenting, and I’m finally comfortable admitting that no, I do not love all of my kids the same.

Now don’t immediately gasp and clutch your pearls, and hear me out.

When my siblings and I were kids, we would always argue and joke over who the favorite was. Don’t most siblings do this? Our parents were always very careful to say that my brother was their favorite son (he’s their only son) or I was their favorite oldest daughter, or my sister was their favorite six-year-old. 

My parents love me and my siblings immensely, but I would venture to say that they don’t love us the exact same way. Notice the emphasis on the last word. I’m not saying they don’t love us the same amount, but the same way.

My siblings and I are all very different people, and likewise our relationship with our parents are all very different. Of course my brother has a different relationship with my dad than I do. Of course my mom has a different relationship with me, her oldest daughter who is also married and a mom of five, than she does with my sister, who is the youngest child and across the country for college. 

My parents show each of us their love and support in different ways, because we’re all different people who are in a unique phase of life with our own personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and challenges. If they loved and parented us all exactly the same, that wouldn’t be very effective!

When I became a stepmom, though, I only had one biological kid. I had zero experience parenting multiple kids at the same time, so I had no knowledge of what it was like to love multiple little people simultaneously.

So of course, without knowing better, I vowed to love them like my own. The exact same amount. The exact same way.

Unfortunately, this just set me up for years of guilt, struggle, and shame. It wasn’t until years later, when I had the twins, that I truly understood what it was like to love all of your kids the same, but differently.

Before the twins, and before marrying my husband and blending our family, I was a mom to just one kid: my daughter, Eloisa. She was my little sidekick, and since I was a stay-at-home mom for most of my pre-divorce life, we spent a ton of time together. I didn’t know what it was like to parent multiple kids, to experience your heart growing in that unique way. I couldn’t fathom loving another child as much as her, because I had never gone through it.

Once I married my now-husband, I became a mom and stepmom to a total of three kids. There was my biological daughter, and there were my two stepkids. The only way I knew how to parent multiple kids was influenced by that dynamic. I carried a lot of guilt that my relationship with my daughter felt more comfortable, even easier, than my relationship with my stepkids did at first.

I blamed myself, and assumed it meant I was a bad stepmom, or a bad person. So I would overcompensate, and spend more money and time on my stepkids, which would then result in me missing my daughter, holding onto resentment, and, you guessed it: more guilt.

Then, I found out I was pregnant with twins. My husband and I always had a hunch we would have twins, so we weren’t totally surprised, but we were over the moon. We picked matching names, got matching cribs, bought matching clothes. Everything came in adorable little pairs, from bath towels to blankets to pacifiers. But although I knew that I was having two babies, it was hard to process until they were actually born.

Before they were born, though, I worried a lot about how the twins’ arrival would change my relationship with all three kids.

I worried about my daughter, and how it would affect her to have to share me in a different way with not just one, but two new siblings. I worried that having two more biological kids would make me realize that I do love my biological kids more than my stepkids, and that my relationship with my stepkids would then deteriorate. I worried that I was ruining all three of the kids’ lives by adding two more siblings to the family, that they would see how busy my husband and I were and interpret that to mean that we don’t have time for them.

I am sure that these are normal anxieties when expecting your second, but I had never gone through it before, so I had no idea.

It wasn’t until my twins were born, and I was holding one in each arm, that I fully understood how a mother’s capacity to love multiplies as the family grows. More kids does not equal less love to give to each kid; instead, more kids just means more love to go around.

The twins are very different. Emersyn, older by three minutes, is much more “chill” overall. She smiled earlier than her sister, slept through the night first, and loves to coo back and forth with anyone who will listen.

Evelyn, on the other hand, is a feisty little fighter. She might be smaller than her sister, but she has the lungs of a full-grown adult, and you will know if she is hungry! She is also more alert than her sister, made eye contact with people earlier, and learned to roll over earlier, as well. You have to work harder to get Evelyn to crack a smile, but when she does, she has an adorable little half-smirk complimented by the cutest dimples.

They both have strengths.

They both have weaknesses.

They have similarities and differences.

But I love them both the exact same amount.

I am sure as they get older, I will continue to notice even more differences between the twins. They will continue to have different temperaments, and they will eventually adopt different mannerisms, hobbies, and friends, despite all of their similarities. My relationship with each twin will be different, because they are different. It will be tailored to who they are individually, and evolve naturally over time.

If I loved all five of my kids the same, no single kid would be getting the love that they need.

Each kid has unique needs, their own love languages, personal strengths and weaknesses.

It’s my job as a mother to play to their strengths, to be their cheerleader through their struggles, to help them develop their unique talents, and to love them for who they are individually.

Not to love them exactly like I love their sibling.

Not to waste my time keeping score and playing tit for tat.

But instead, spending time getting to know each kid, and watching in awe as they grow up into exactly who they’re meant to be.

And I can’t wait.