Step by Step Parenting

I have been a stepmom officially for just over a year now, but I have played a significant role in my stepkids’ lives for over three.

There are a lot of growing pains the come with being a stepmom. You have to learn how to navigate a delicate parenting situation with your spouse. You have to get used to taking up the space in your family that you deserve without overstepping — what that looks like will depend on the couple. The imposter syndrome can be suffocating at times, and even if no one says it to you directly, you will still feel as if your thoughts and feelings don’t matter or aren’t as important. The dynamics in a blended household can feel fragile at first as everyone feels out boundaries.

But by far the hardest pill to swallow as a stepmom, in my opinion, is this:

The longer I am a stepmom, the more it becomes painfully obvious to me that my stepkids will never love me the same as they love their biological parents.

This is where people love to jump in and immediately inform me that they should never love me like I’m their parent, because I’m not their real parent, and it’s so weird I’d even expect that.

But… notice how I never said I expect them to love me like that.

I, of course, do not expect my stepkids to love me like I’m their “real” mom, because they have a mom. I am not, and never have been, trying to replace her. I feel very fortunate that all of our kids have involved parents, even if the parents don’t always get along.

And yet, even though I’m expected to accept that I’m not their “real” mom, I’m also expected to love them like they’re my “real” kids.

To be clear, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Biological or not, they are my responsibility half of the time and I would never dream of treating my two stepkids differently than my three biological daughters. To do so would be so unbelievably damaging to them, it would damage us as a family unit, it would damage my marriage, and it’s just not right. I do love them like they’re my “real” kids, I live my life as if I’m the mom of five, and I don’t add qualifiers when I talk about our blended family anymore, such as, “I have five kids, but two of them are stepkids,” or “I have three kids and also two stepkids.” I don’t want any of the five children living in my house to hear me or their dad talking like that because I don’t want them to ever question whether or not they are loved or belong.

But let’s think about what that means for stepmoms. We’re expected to

• love them like our own
• but not ever even dare insinuate that they’re “ours”
• enforce rules and boundaries in the home
• but not too much or too strictly or too harshly because then you’re the mean stepparent
• not dote on them or be overly affectionate, because that could come off as you trying to replace a parent
• but somehow still make them feel loved and cared for
• never complain about any of this because “we knew what we were signing up for”

Side note: it’s impossible to understand how difficult this is before you’re in it. None of us knew what we were signing up for.

When you have a biological child, there are bumps and challenges along the way. At any age, you as a parent are navigating how to instill good, age-appropriate behaviors in your children. You want your kids to be kind, helpful, honest, clean, etc. Sometimes, taking off the “friend” hat and putting on the “parent” hat can be hard.

But there are moments that make it all worth it. Your kid randomly hugging you and telling you they love you. Them rushing to hold your hand in the parking lot. Them turning to beam at you after the accomplish something they know you’ll be proud of, and you getting to beam right back, because you are.

As a stepmom, though, those moments are less frequent. Instead, the child turns towards their biological parent first. This makes sense, but this also means that stepparents are expected to put in years of hard parenting work, the same as any other parent, but without the same reward.

Because I’m not setting out to replace my kids’ mom, but because I still act as a mom when they’re with us, I am exhausted as if I’m parenting five kids, but it often only emotionally feels like I have three. I am constantly pouring out more love than I might ever receive back.

This is simply just the price one pays for being a stepparent, though. In case I haven’t made it abundantly clear, I am not saying it should be different. I want to emphasize that these are little children we’re talking about, and it is normal, healthy, appropriate, and should be encouraged for them to turn to their biological parents for love, support, approval, and comfort, so long as that person is a safe person. All I’m getting at is that doesn’t mean that it isn’t still hard.

Feeling like the least favorite parent figure is hard, even if it makes sense. Feeling like I’m running myself into the ground to parent five kids and keep the household running smoothly without much appreciation is hard. Feeling like I’ll never be able to casually say phrases like, “mother of five” or “family of seven” without guilt and imposter syndrome is hard.

That doesn’t mean there is no hope, however. The situation isn’t entirely bleak. For starters, my husband does a phenomenal job of constantly reminding me how loved I am, that I’m a great mom, and that he appreciates all that I do — and when two people enter a marriage with kids like we did, being able to do this is key.

I’d also like to think that at the very least, one day, whether that’s in ten, fifteen, or twenty years, that my stepkids will realize how hard I worked to take care of them.

I hope one day my stepkids realize that even if I wasn’t their favorite, that I loved them fiercely.

I hope one day my stepkids realize that I always tried my best to make sure they were provided for and happy.

And I hope one day, that my stepkids don’t even question for a second that I would choose them again and again and again.