Step by Step Parenting

I have been divorced for going on four years now, my husband has been divorced for three years, and him and I have been married for just over one year.

I have one daughter from my previous marriage (5yo), he has a daughter and a son from his previous marriage (8yo and 5yo), and together, we have 5-month-old twins.

For the most part, I try and maintain a positive perspective on the situation. Really, what other option is there? I have written extensively about how I prioritize peaceful coparenting, how we helped our kids through divorce, and how our family is still a family, regardless of what others might say.

But being a blended family comes with some burdens to bear, as well. Although I think the situation can be made beautiful, that will never make it ideal. I think my life has worked out exactly as God intended— had neither my husband nor I gotten divorced, our precious twin girls might not be here — but it comes at a price.

Thanks to divorce, and the resulting 50/50 custody arrangement that my husband and I both have with our previous spouses, here are some things we simply can’t do:

1. I can’t homeschool our kids. Would I do this if I could? Hard to say. On the good days, I would say yes. But because we only have the older kids half the time, I can’t even consider homeschooling, even if I wanted to. Sometimes being robbed of a choice, or having it made for you, is frustrating, even if you would make the same choice should the decision be entirely in your hands.
2. I can’t decide where our kids go to school. Not without either of the exes agreeing, of course. Growing up, obtaining a college degree and possibly even a postgraduate degree was held up as the pinnacle of achievement for my siblings and I, and I’m so grateful my parents worked hard to make sure that we got the best education possible. We were sent to the best schools, even if it was inconvenient for them. Now, this is mostly out of my husband and I’s hands. My ex and I have been in agreement so far regarding our daughter, but my husband’s ex pulled the kids out of school and moved them to a different one out of county, after school had already started, because it was easier for her with her new job. We went back and forth for awhile about it, but eventually, we just gave up. Some battles aren’t worth fighting, but unfortunately we might never get my husband’s kids back in county. The decision of where our older kids go to school will never be 100% up to my husband and I, anyways.
3. We can’t plan family vacations for whenever we want.Again, are we taking family vacations? Not really at this stage in our life. But even when we’ve tried, everything has to be tailored around week-on, week-off schedules, and our exchange time on Sunday evening. I envy families that decide they want to go somewhere and then just… book the trip for whenever works for them.
4. We can’t make sure our kids are learning about God and building a relationship with Him daily. We’ve made a real effort this past year to go to church every Sunday, pray over meals as a family, study the scriptures with our kids, and just make conversations about God a normal, daily occurrence. This has sparked some of the most innocent and precious conversations with our kids (though some difficult ones, too) and keeps the Spirit in our home. It’s hard feeling like we have to start over every week sometimes, and I feel guilty that my older kids’ childhood will look so different than mine was.
5. We can’t see our kids whenever we want. No parent finds out they’re expecting and says, “I can’t wait to only see my child only half the time their whole childhood!” It’s hard. Heartbreaking. Some days, the weight is crushing. This is arguably the worst consequence of getting divorced. I know that everything has and will work out the way it’s supposed to, but I will never not miss my daughter when she’s not with me.

I want to emphasize that this is not a list of everything I think the other parents are doing wrong. Each parent is responsible for making the decisions they view as the best decision for their child, so even if I don’t agree with what the other parents decide, that does not mean it’s wrong. I know every decision that me, my husband, my ex-husband, and my husband’s ex-wife make regarding the kids is rooted in love.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t mourn and long for the simplicity of a two-parent home. Despite the fact that the divorce rate in the United States is nearly 50%, so surely there must be more blended families out there, my husband and I often feel very alone in this journey and we don’t personally know many families like ours. It’s hard to go to church every Sunday and see how uncomplicated life is for families not affected by divorce. It’s hard to have to constantly advocate for our kids in a school system that treats families like ours an inconvenience (yes, this is aimed at my daughter’s teacher who wouldn’t let her bring two family pictures for their bulletin board in class).

More good came from my divorce than bad. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing. But some days it is just hard, and that’s okay.