Step by Step Parenting

“I’m fine.”

That’s what I tell myself over and over, at least.

The number on the scale says I’m fine.

The old clothes I slipped back into with ease say I’m fine.

Everyone who sees me says I’m fine.

Great even. Amazing! Superwoman!

If my old jeans fit, what is there to complain about? Isn’t that what bouncing back is all about?

I might look fine, but I am not fine.

I drove home from the six-week check-up, repeating the words of my OB/GYN in my head:

Fine. Fine. Fine.

I get on Instagram and post our new family photos.

Our family trip to the blueberry patch.

Snapshots from girls’ night out.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

My hair is falling out in clumps.

My skin is as oily as it was when I was thirteen.

I haven’t worn a normal bra in weeks.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

I put on a dress, fill in my eyebrows, paste on a smile, and go to church.

“How are the babies?” “You look great!” “You make it look easy!”

And finally, an honest question from an old friend,

“How are you, really?”

“Well, I was fine.”

Miraculous birth. Miraculous recovery.

No stitches, no complications, no crying as I went up and down the stairs.

Instead, walks with babies at a week old.

Running seven miles with friends on the weekend.

Spending all day cooking and baking and cleaning for fun.

It was all so, so fine.

But my husband went back to work. I went back to work. People got busy. Lost interest.

Or, they probably just believed me when I said “I’m fine.”

I believed me when I said, “I’m fine.”

I looked at every indicator that I was fine and forgot to ask myself if Ifelt fine, number on the scale or smiling highlight reels be damned.

The thing with being postpartum is that two things can be true:

you can feel fine, and you can feel permanently changed.

You can feel like you’ve adjusted to this new life, and miss your old one.

We were never meant to measure recovery in dichotomies.

Okay or not okay.

Happy or depressed.

Healed or healing.

We can check all of the boxes.

We can be all of those things at once.

We can circle back to them over and over.

A rollercoaster of progress, setbacks, victories, disappointments, and tiny wins.

Sometimes all in one day.

And that… that is what’s fine.

Taking your time to heal is fine.

Feeling fine one day but not the next is fine.

Replace “success” with “healing,” and it looks like this:

I hope you enjoyed a little freeverse, poem-type thing I wrote this morning while walking my dog! I’ve been trying to be more honest with loved ones lately when they check in, and I hope this encourages you to do the same.

That doesn’t mean you need to “fix” anything but sometimes, just getting words onto a page, in a text to a friend, out in a conversation with your mom, or whispered in a prayer, can be healing.

I am so glad I have this creative outlet to keep me grounded and inspired through a crazy season of life, and I’m thankful for anyone who tags along on this journey of watching me heal and grow in real time.

This post was originally published on my Substack. To stay-up-to date on what I write, subscribe here. If you want to make sure this busy mom stays motivated and caffeinated, consider becoming my favorite person a paid subscriber!