& why the term “working mom” isn’t the flex you think it is
“Who’s watching your daughter right now?”
It was my first day back at this job in four years. I had left in July 2020 after successfully (painfully? regretfully?) working until I was eight months pregnant. On my feet. All day. Sometimes in the heat outside. Oh, and during a pandemic. It was a fast food restaurant, and for some reason we were deemed “essential workers” and the store never closed. I was barely twenty, a college student, and the owner of a checking account that frequently dipped into the negatives, so I worked, despite how uncomfortable I was. I even had a manager pull me aside once and ask if there was any way I could take less breaks to throw up at work. Wouldn’t that be great? But I digress.
In the four years since having my daughter, I had gone back to work (just other jobs, not this one), gone back to school full-time, gotten divorced, and moved back in with my parents. I was broke broke, so I decided to go back to work at an unnamed chicken chain, because they had paid me the best out of any job I had had thus far. They were excited to have me back, and it was good to both catch up with old coworkers and meet new ones. In the midst of exchanging life updates and pleasantries, someone asked, “Who’s watching your daughter right now?”
At first, I was too stunned to answer. This is the kind of question I had always heard women get asked at work, but not men, but I had never actually found myself in this situation before. Then there was the irony of the whole situation.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, and I pointed across the counter to the kitchen, “ask him.”
My ex-husband had seen the interaction play out, and no doubt had noted the confusion and slight irritation on my face.
You see, some essential details I left out are (1) I had been able to get this job back because my ex-husband, who is a good friend, was one of the managers, and (2) we share joint custody of our daughter. He gets a week, I get a week. So when this person asked me who was watching my daughter so I could be there, I really did have no idea, because it wasn’t my week, it was my ex’s week. No one ever asked him that question, though!
I wear the title “working mom” like a badge of honor. It is woven into my identity. Megan Eldredge, mom of 5, writer, law student, sharing essays on motherhood, stepparenting, and being a working mom.
Making my career status as part of my personal brand feels necessary when there are people on all sides telling me that I’m doing it wrong. At work, there’s no doubting that workplaces are not built for women. Especially as someone heading into the legal field, it’s a man’s world and I’m just living in it. Things are much better for me, than say, my grandmothers, who were not even allowed to wear pants to their college classes, but it’s still not “equal” in my opinion.
Then there’s other mothers, usually stay-at-home ones, who also have something to say about my job status. They ask how I’m okay letting someone else raise my kid, brag about how their husband works hard and they make sacrifices to make it work (news flash, Jessica, we’re just so poor that those measures aren’t enough!), and then go on about how they are so thankful they don’t have to miss out on their kids’ childhood like I do. Way to kick a woman while she’s down.
So yes, I feel a need to defend working moms. To write about why we work, how we work, how our motherhood is still valid. It’s part trying to prove we’re still good moms, and part trying to explain what this life is like and why we choose it. But I can’t deny reality. While I proudly label myself as a “working mom,” it’s impossible to ignore the fact that the counterpart term, “working dad,” simply doesn’t exist. They get to be just dads.
To prove my point, here is a non exhaustive list of questions that nobody asks dads while they’re at work:
- Who’s watching your kid so you can be here?
- Are the kids at home enjoying mommy daycare?
- What does your wife do for work?
- Well don’t you miss your kids if you’re gone most of the week?
- Who is going to pick your kids up from school?
- Don’t you think your children need a father at home?
- Are you going to keep working once the baby is born?
- What if you miss their first steps/laughs/words?
Instead, here is a pretty comprehensive list of the questions dads do get asked:
- Boy or girl?
- How are the babies?
And maybe, if you have really considerate coworkers:
- How is mom?
Notice any difference there?!
Society doesn’t view men who work as “working dads.” They’re not labelled as ambitious or “career driven” because they choose to work once they have kids. Society views men’s employment status during parenthood as expected, a given, something he does to provide for his family. But society views women who work during parenthood as go-getters at best, selfish at worst.
This creates a doubled-edged sword: men aren’t asked about their kids at work, so men don’t bring up their kids at work, so then mothers are told in order to fit in, to not mention their parenting status, either.
I can’t remember what the exact question was that I was asked during the practice interview, but I remember that as a part of my answer, I gave credit to motherhood for making me extremely organized, efficient, and timely. I explained that as a student who also works and also has kids, that my Google calendar runs my life, and as a result, everything runs like a well-oiled machine.
“You did great on the interview, except… don’t bring up that you’re a mom,” the administrator at my school said, “it’s just that, well, a man wouldn’t bring that up, you know?”
No, actually, I don’t know. How is that my problem? I think the fact that I balanced being a full-time student, working full-time, and raising a preschooler as a single mom means that I basically have superpowers. And yes, I am unashamed to admit that I think my ability to juggle it all makes me more qualified for certain positions than a twenty-year-old who went straight from college to undergrad, and undergrad to grad school, with their parents paying for everything along the way.
I do not say that as a blanket statement. Notice how I said “more qualified for certain positions.” I don’t think motherhood is a get-out-of-jail-free card, per se. When you factor in GPA, undergraduate majors, relevant work experience, and more, mothers are not always the best candidate for a job. What I am getting at, however, is that if the job requires someone who works well under pressure, can work in a fast-paced environment, can balance multiple job duties simultaneously, and work in a timely, efficient manner, mothers are often the perfect fit. And so are lots of fathers! The fact that men take off their parenting hat the second they go to work does not mean that women have to, as well. For many women (I’m thinking of me, who’s currently exclusively pumping, or anyone who is pregnant), their motherhood is so visible that compartmentalizing to that degree is simply impossible.
At the end of the day, I will probably still refer to myself as a “working mom.”
I know that dads don’t use the term, “working dad.” I understand the patriarchal implications of that. I get how women tend to be expected to do it all, all of the time, never talk about it, but then will be criticized for doing it wrong.
Being a working mom is a unique and challenging experience, though, so I refuse to pretend like it doesn’t exist. I cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that fellow moms and coworkers alike treat working moms differently. We don’t fully fit in to lots of mom groups (I’m one of the only working moms at my church, for example). We don’t fully fit in at work. To some, none of this might seem like a big deal, but as someone who grew up with a stay-at-home mom and was surrounded by mostly stay-at-home moms, this has been and will continue to be an adjustment for me.
Anyways, I have to go — time to get ready for work!
Step by Step Parenting 