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I have the “Sunday scaries” for the first time in a long, long time.
When school is in session, a part of me actually loves Mondays. On the weekends, I get to play stay-at-home mom, which is fun until about lunchtime on Saturday. When you have hundreds of pages of reading to do, briefs to write, and notes to outline, the predictable rhythm of the weekdays becomes something to look forward to.
It’s not that I don’t like being home with my kids, or being a mother. There are many aspects of it that I love. I try to fill our weekends with visits to the park, baking treats together in our tiny kitchen, playing the kids’ favorite board games, and arts and crafts. But I also try to squeeze in ten loads of laundry, a trip to the grocery store, two hours at church on Sunday, and deep cleaning the house… again. And did I mention all of my homework? Or the fact that my husband (bless his soul for sacrificing so much for our family) works every single day of the week except Sunday? Meaning that our weekends are anything but restful?
So yes, I’ll admit, by the time Sunday rolls around, I am itching to get back to school, to study in the quiet of the library, to listen to my favorite music or podcasts during the two hours I spend commuting every day, and to have more structure to my days. I don’t mind rolling back home at 5 o’clock like a freight train, racing to prepare dinner and bathe children do dishes and pack lunches and play with the dog and do more dishes. I thrive when life is busy and chaotic.
But this Sunday feels… different. For the first time in a long time, I just wish I could stay home tomorrow.
I was adamant growing up that I wanted to be a working mom. From the time I was probably nine or ten years old, I was dreaming up what fantastical, impressive sounding job I would have that would allow me to work and my husband to stay at home (or we could pay for day care — either way, I was going to be at work). Even when I had my first daughter, and circumstances forced me to be a stay-at-home mom for two years, I dreamt of working instead. Once I started law school in 2024, my nearly lifelong dream was validated: I loved pursing a career that I was passionate about.
The twins will be five weeks old on Monday. I start my residency on Monday, where I’ll essentially be working as an intern for a medical malpractice law firm downtown. My mom will watch the twins for me while I go to work every day. The firm is closed every Friday, so I’ll only be in the office four days a week. The twins will be with my mom. The situation could not be any better. I want to go. It’s an honor to get to work at this firm, to even be in law school in the first place.
But I. don’t. want. to leave. my babies.
I wanted so badly to be the mother that can perfectly balance her career and her motherhood without ever faltering, complaining, shedding any tears, or having any regrets. I have maintained that facade for the nearly six years I’ve been a mother. But the mask is slipping, and I’m mature enough to finally admit that a part of me — an instinctually maternal part of me — would really rather sit at home and cuddle my newborns all day.
Week #8 Favorites
- Ravioli and meatballs. Let me tell you the easiest dinner ever for those busy nights when you have a whole family to feed: a bag of frozen ravioli, a bag of frozen meatballs, and a jar of spaghetti sauce. Dump it all in a casserole dish, cover it in tinfoil, and bake at 350º for 30 minutes, and then without tinfoil for another 30 minutes. Ta-da! Simple, affordable, and delicious. Shoutout to my mom for the recipe!
- These joggers from Amazon. My mom gifted me a pair when I was postpartum almost six years ago, and I’m glad I saved the link because these joggers are everything. The material makes them feel slightly more elevated than a typical pair of sweatpants, so I ordered another pair to wear to school or running errands for whenever I want to feel a little more put together.
- Audiobooks. I listened to so many audiobooks back in 2023 and the first half of 2024, especially during my long commutes to and from school. But once I graduated from college and started law school in August of 2024, my brain just needed a break during my drives, and I couldn’t do audiobooks anymore. Instead, I listened to music, and during finals season, I would listen to podcasts related to law school. But since the twins were born, I’m home more than I have been in a long time, and I find myself craving any alone time for any of my hobbies. It occurred to me, Hey, why don’t I try listening to a book while I do all of the chores that need to be done? Worked like a charm! I’m still able to keep up with dishes and laundry, and the time flies by because I’m listening to an interesting story. I forgot how much I loved audiobooks and I’m glad I found a good place for them in my life again.
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Week #8 Highlights
- The twins are officially one month old! I wrote a whole post all about the lessons I’ve learned in one month of twin parenting, as well as my reflections on the past month, but wow. A whole month! It went by in the blink of an eye, which is both surprising because we’re insanely sleep deprived, and sad because they’re growing too fast! I feel like they’ve chunked up so much, but I know at 7 lbs 13 oz (Emersyn) and 7 lbs 5 oz (Evelyn), they are in fact both still very small. I’m sure it will all get harder as they get older, but this first month hasn’t been as hard as everyone swore it would be. Instead, I’m immensely grateful for our girls, all of the support we’ve received, and all of the memories we’ve made together. I’m acutely aware that they will never be this tiny again, and it’s made it easier to just savor the phase we’re in rather than wish for the next one.
- My oldest daughter found out what parts she got for her next play. Our kids are all pretty young — 8, 5, 5, 1 month, and 1 month — so I try to not be the mom that has them each enrolled in multiple extracurriculars throughout the week. It just doesn’t make sense, financially or time-wise, for our family. However, I loved trying new things growing up, whether it was competitive swimming or sewing or playing an instrument. In fact, my parents at some point implemented a rule that each kid had to participate in one sport and learn one musical instrument. As an adult, I greatly appreciate that rule, and I think it helped my siblings and I all be more well-rounded. My kids are a little too young to carry on that tradition, but our oldest is at the age where we want her to start finding hobbies she is passionate about. We’ve tried a lot with her — swimming, soccer, running, dance, etc. — before I suggested we try theater. There’s an amazing local kids theater that my sister did growing up, so we signed K up for a kids’ production of Annie there this year and she loved it! Because it was her first play, she didn’t get any lines and was just in the ensemble, so she wanted to try again for another play once Annie was over. She practiced a lot at home, and this time around got two different speaking parts for a Willy Wonka play! As a parent, it was so gratifying to watch her work for something she really wanted, and we are so, so proud of her.
- We took the twins to church for the first time. I struggled to go to church the last several weeks of my pregnancy, and I’ve tried to stay home and rest every Sunday since giving birth. I also wanted to wait a few weeks before bringing my girls out in a public crowded place such as church, just because it’s cold and flu season and they are so, so tiny. But against all of my best efforts, the twins somehow got a cold a few weeks ago anyways. At a month postpartum, I’m feeling almost completely healed. and I just really, really missed church. So we put on their first little church outfits, sat sandwiched between my parents who each insisted on holding a twin (not complaining!), and enjoyed a wonderful Sunday service. It was a weekend that our older three kids were with their other parents, so I’m sure next Sunday will be harder as we try to get all five kids to church, but this Sunday was a nice way to dip our toes in the water.
Am I Too Stupid to Ditch Social Media for Good?
If we ever have extra free time and no plans, there is nowhere my husband would rather visit than a bookstore. So recently, while the girls were taking their afternoon nap, we loaded them up and headed to Barnes & Noble just ten minutes down the road. While there, I stumbled upon a wide array of books of crossword puzzles ranging from easy to challenging. Perfect, I thought, I can do this while I pump instead of scrolling on Facebook via the Safari app on my phone because apparently deleting the app isn’t enough to stop me from hunting down social media!
It’s been two weeks since I purchased the easiest looking crossword puzzle book I could find, and I still haven’t completed the first puzzle. Which is extra embarrassing, because I’ve already had to peek at the answer key multiple times. I probably need to move on and pick another puzzle at this point, but I’m too stubborn to admit defeat, so I keep staring blankly at the same empty squares. All of this begs the question, Am I too stupid for these crossword puzzles?
The jury is still out on that one, but I refuse to give in and redownload social media to doomscroll during pumping sessions, so I’ve found alternatives to both Instagram and crossword puzzles. I’ve started keeping books around the house, such as on my nightstand or on my desk, so it’s easy to pick them up and read whenever I have the time. I do the same thing with journals, since I have so many. Anything to keep my eyes off of a screen for even a little bit.
Self-Care Tip of the Week: Forgiveness
My mom once told me that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Oftentimes, withholding forgiveness from someone, intentionally or unintentionally, does more to hurt you than it does to hurt them. So my self-care tip of the week is that if there is someone in your life who you are angry at for something in the past, or if there is a relationship that ended in a way that hurt or upset you, or even if there is simply someone who you are holding a grudge against… forgive them.
If they apologized, great, forgive them. Don’t get caught up in whether they meant it or if they deserve forgiveness, just forgive them. If they haven’t apologized, forgive them in your heart anyways. Accept that some people may never see eye to eye, and you could spend the rest of your life waiting for an apology you won’t get.
This does not mean you have to “forgive and forget,” as the saying goes. You don’t have to forget. Remembering what has happened and why extending forgiveness was so difficult for you could help prevent you from ending up in similar situations down the line. There is no doubt lessons to be learned from every failed friendship or relationship. But it is still important to forgive the individual.
This tip is inspired by my own experiences, because it was obvious to me this week how much easier my life as a result of choosing forgiveness. Saturday night, my husband was scheduled to work a closing shift, meaning that I was going to be alone with all five kids for dinner and bedtime. Trying to get all five kids fed, ready for bed, and actually in bed was going to be a challenged, and I was stressed about how I would manage it all on my own. Kevin left for work right be 2pm, and by 4:30pm, I realized I needed help. So who did I call?
My ex-husband!
He came over and hung out with the three older kids while I tackled the twins’ bedtime routine by myself for the first time. The kids enjoyed popcorn and a movie night, and I retained a shred of my sanity. I also didn’t have that dark cloud of Mom Guilt hanging over my head all evening, because I didn’t have to say, “Shhh, the babies are sleeping!” twenty times nor did I have to completely ignore them while I cared for the twins. Instead, they had someone to hang out with and help them with all of the little things like refilling water bottles and brushing teeth and getting ready for bed.
I wrote about our co-parenting relationship at length here, but the bottom line is we chose to forgive each other and put the past behind us for the sake of our daughter. We could have chosen to hold our respective grudges forever; he could have always blamed me for leaving, and I could have always blamed him for needing to leave. But at the end of the day, holding on to that bitterness would have negatively affected everyone involved, including our daughter. Forgiveness might have been the harder option, but it was also the better option for our family.
Wish me luck as I return to work this week, and stay tuned for next week to hear how it goes!
Step by Step Parenting 