Receiving unsolicited advice, stares, and touches unfortunately comes with the territory when you’re pregnant. A lot of it is born from good intentions, but that doesn’t make it okay. I thought I had heard all of the crazy, unhinged comments during my first pregnancy. I had strangers ask if I was married, if I was a teenager, if it was an accident, and all sorts of other inappropriate, rude, and annoying questions. I had already dealt with moms who gave birth only months before me telling me about products I had to have or things I had to do, and I had already learned to just grin and nod when moms who hadn’t had a newborn for decades tell me routines I needed to try.
But nothing — and I mean NOTHING — could have prepared me for the completely wild questions and comments I would get from people once they found out I was having twins.
Am I too hormonal to be writing this post? Probably. But at nearly 37 weeks pregnant, I’m too tired and uncomfortable to care! So on behalf of all the twin mamas out there, here are some things to avoid saying to a twin mom if you don’t want to risk pissing her off.
1. “Were your twins conceived with IVF? Were you taking fertility drugs?”
This is like asking someone what position they conceived their child in. It’s weird. Don’t do it.
If a mom volunteers this information, that’s her own prerogative. Most moms I personally know who underwent IVF treatments are pretty open about it anyways. But if a mom doesn’t bring it up, don’t ask.
Better alternative: “Twins? How exciting! Were you surprised?”
This leaves the door open for mom to say as much or as little as she likes. If it’s me, I’ll answer by explaining that no, I wasn’t too surprised since twins run in my family. Maybe someone else would answer by saying there weren’t surprised since they transferred two embryos. Then you still get the information you were looking for without making any assumptions.
2. “Wow, twins! Glad it’s you and not me!”
What is the purpose of this? Really. Most moms who are pregnant with twins are already well aware of the extra struggle it will be to care for two babies. We spend countless hours stressing about how nighttime feeds will go, how we’ll ever leave the house alone, how expensive buying twice the amount of diapers, wipes, and everything else will be, and more. Comments like this are simply unhelpful and discouraging, and it makes it seem like having twins is inherently a bad thing. I know many twin moms who swear up and down that having twins was the biggest blessing of their life.
Better alternative: “Wow, twins!”
Short, sweet, and to the point. Allows for you to express your genuine surprise or shock (after all, twins are rare!) without making it seem like a negative thing.
3. “I have two under two, which is basically twins!”
No it’s not. Sorry. Next!
Better alternative: “I have two under two, I can’t imagine if they were the same age!”
You still get to relate your own experience and struggles (which are valid!) without diminishing the very unique struggle of having two babies that were born the exact same day.
4. “You look great for carrying twins!”
Where to even begin with this one… are you saying that I wouldn’t look good if it wasn’t twins? Are you implying that I look huge, but since I’m having twins, it’s “okay”? Here’s an idea: don’t comment on a woman’s body! Especially her pregnant body! I promise you nobody wants to hear if you think they look too small, too big, like they’re having twins, like they’re not having twins, like they’re due any day, etc. Pregnancy is an extremely vulnerable time, and almost every pregnant mom I’ve ever spoken with has struggled with their changing body at some point during their pregnancy. Don’t make it worse by commenting on it.
Better alternative: “You look great!”
No qualifying statement needed.
At the end of the day, all of this can be summed up quite nicely with a quote that I’m sure all of us have heard before:
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
Step by Step Parenting 