Step by Step Parenting

With the twins set to arrive any day now, I’ve been trying to clear some extra room on my camera roll. I’ve successfully combed through thousands and thousands of old photos and videos… but still over 16,000 remain, so it doesn’t feel like I’ve made much progress!

I started by going through the photos and videos from 2022, which is also the year I got divorced. I had always wanted to finish school and work, and once my ex-husband and I separated, enrolling in full-time school and finding a full-time job were among some of the first things I did. I know many divorced and single moms talk about this part of the divorce as one of the more difficult parts, especially if they planned on being a stay at home mom. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I, however, felt finally free to pursue my dreams, and I was so excited. I knew that I could make it work.

But as I filtered through my camera roll, I felt a twinge of guilt, too. I stumbled upon a video of my daughter before she even turned three, saying, “No homework, Mommy, no homework!” while I tried to bribe her with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and goldfish so that I could finish an essay. Watching the video back, she seemed even smaller than I remembered. Hearing the word “homework” in her tiny baby voice when she could barely talk was strange — did other kids her age even know that word? 

It’s been nearly four years since that video was taken, and that same guilt follows me everywhere. I have moved on to law school, which means my daughter’s wish for no more homework has not happened. In fact, the amount of homework and studying I do now has tripled or quadrupled at least. I’m also now a parent to three kids instead of just one, and those three kids (who I love so, so much) recently went a whole week without school due to winter weather. This meant that I wasn’t able to go to school for a week. 

The week was full of crafts, snacks, playing, pajama days, and more screen-time than I care to admit. It felt like I asked the kids to be quiet so I can study over one hundred times, and every time I did, I felt bad.

I felt bad that I was asking them to be quiet when they were just having fun playing.

I felt bad for getting frustrated that I was not able to get as much schoolwork done.

I felt bad that they just saw me glued to my laptop and textbooks all week. The list goes on.

But mostly, at the end of any days or weeks when I take on more of a “stay-at-home-parent” role, I feel bad that I don’t love it.

Now don’t get me wrong — I love making homemade food for my family, or helping my kids paint, or teaching them to read. I love helping them get ready in the mornings, packing up the car, and heading to the park or the zoo or Mimi’s. But… I just don’t want to do that all day, every day. I know it’s many moms’ dream. It’s taken me years to accept that it’s just not mine.

Because I also love getting myself dressed for school or work, packing a lunch for me as well as the kids, and seeing the sunrise on my commute every day. I love going to classes downtown, learning from amazing professors, and knowing that every day, I’m inching closer to achieving my dream of becoming a lawyer. I look forward to being a lawyer for all of the same reasons the high school version of me wanted to be a lawyer, but now, a few more adult reasons, too. I cannot wait to no longer live paycheck to paycheck, to provide for my family, and to be able to more easily give my kids the extra things that I struggle to give them now.

I could write forever about the hundreds of instances and conversations that have made me feel like a bad mom for pursuing a career. In a lot of ways, this journey has been harder and more isolating than I ever could have imagined. But I know that in my heart of hearts, I’m not doing this because I’m selfish or I hate spending time with my kids (I would like to think that even seasoned stay-at-home moms are losing their mind during this winter storm, too). The opposite is true, actually. 

I’m doing all of this because I love my family and I want to take care of them.

I want to be an example to my four daughters that motherhood can coexist with whatever dreams they have for life. 

I am not less of a mom because I want to work.

And now, if I make a comment about how I’m tired and don’t want to do anymore homework, you know what my daughter says? The same daughter who used to beg me to not do homework?

“But you have to do your homework, Mommy, so you can be a lawyer and help people!”

She says that because I’ve told her that’s why I want to to be a lawyer, and she knows that that’s why I spend hours and hours pursuing a degree: because I want to help people. I want to help my family, my future clients, my community. This same daughter currently tells people that when she grows up, she wants to be a paralegal, a lawyer, a doctor, an astronaut, a doughnut shop owner, and have fives kids, in that order. She’s ridiculous, and I love her for it, and I know that a big reason she feels like she can do anything she wants is because of what she’s learned from me. 

I still feel guilty for the amount of time I spend away from my kids, and I think a part of me always will. I think that’s normal. Maybe there’s a season of my life waiting for me in the future where I will get to be a stay-at-home mom again, and when that season comes, I’ll welcome it. But for now, I love my life and my motherhood journey for exactly what it is right here in the present. Sure, I have a little bit of guilt, but I don’t have any regrets.