When my husband and I found out that we were expecting, we knew that this meant not just a big change in our lives, but in the lives of our three children, as well. Especially when we found out it was twins, we wanted to make sure that our kids were somewhat prepared for what was to come. They were ages seven, four, and four when we found out, so although they were young, we knew that they were old enough to understand that I was pregnant and that this would mean a new sibling (or in this case, siblings) joining our family.
1. Help Foster Age-Appropriate Independence Before the Baby Arrives
For our seven year old, this looked like helping her learn how to fully get in and out of the car by herself (including opening and closing the door), make simple lunches and get her own snacks after asking, and get herself ready for bed. For our four year olds, this looked like making sure they knew how to put on their own shoes and socks, partially buckle themselves into car seats, and put toys and belongings back in their homes. We explained to the kids that once the babies arrive, there will be some times that we ask them to do something by themselves, since our hands will be full. For example, even being able to send all three kids upstairs to put on their pajamas will be a huge help while my husband and I are also trying to each get a newborn ready for bed.
This doesn’t mean we expect our kids to be able to take care of themselves. On the contrary, helping a child learn independence is a crucial part of development. Even when adding two new siblings to the family wasn’t in the picture, we had to take some time to prep our daughter for kindergarten before she started. We knew that when she was at school all day, we would no longer be there to help her go to the bathroom, unzip her lunchbox, or open her favorite go-go squeeze applesauce pouches. Helping her learn how to be independent helped ensure that her transition to grade school would be as smooth as possible. Likewise, helping a child become a little more independent before the arrival of a new sibling can help ease some of the transition for the kids and for parents.
2. Discuss Boundaries with the Babies
Although I “have three kids,” two of them are stepkids who I didn’t meet until after my daughter was born, so I’ve never experienced bringing a baby home from a hospital to meet a sibling. I also had my daughter during the COVID-19 pandemic, so I never really had to navigate having visitors in our home. It wasn’t until I was scrolling through one of my online support groups one day and saw someone ask how to be mindful of RSV and siblings that the thought even crossed my mind.
Whatever boundaries you decide to set in place, talk about them with your kids beforehand. Honestly, it slightly helps that we adopted a puppy earlier in the year, because many of those rules that our kids learned are the same! We taught them to use gentle hands, no yelling, no bopping or hitting, etc. — all things that apply to puppies and newborns alike. Beyond that, we have discussed other boundaries with our kids to prepare them for the babies, such as how the babies are more sensitive to germs, or to knock on our bedroom door before just waltzing in.
3. Involve Your Kids in Baby Prep
Maybe it’s because I’m expecting two babies and want to be extra prepared, maybe it’s because of my Type A personality, or maybe it’s because this ain’t my first rodeo, but I’ve been preparing a lot more during this pregnancy than I did during my first. By time I reached the third trimester, I already had a car seat installed in my car, the nursery set up, all of the clothes washed and put away, and over a week’s worth of freezer meals for my family prepped and ready to go.
All of these things I’ve done to prepare have provided good opportunities to include and involve the kids. They have helped me carry wipes upstairs when I went crazy on Cyber Monday and ordered 100 packs. They have helped brainstorm some of their favorite meals for me to make ahead of time. They have tagged along on several Target runs and helped pick out stuffies, pajamas, and toys for the babies. All three of them have been so eager to help, and they’ve loved to feel included!
4. Practice Patience
Right after my daughter found out I was pregnant, she became way more clingy, and a lot of her behaviors regressed. At first, I blamed this on adjusting to kindergarten (which was definitely part of it), but one day it dawned on me that the increased clinginess and mood swings were her way of saying, “This is a lot of change for me and I don’t want to share or lose my mom.” Once I realized that, I was better able to meet her needs and have a little bit more patience.
Understand that especially for young kids, they might have a lot of big feelings about all of the changes, but they don’t always have the words or emotional awareness to articulate that. A little extra patience as they prepare for a huge change in their lives can go a long way.
5. Set Realistic Expectations
Kids, especially young kids, naturally love to help. My kids are very excited and have expressed lots of interest in helping to take care of the babies when they arrive.
My oldest daughter said something along the lines of, “When the babies cry, I can help by giving them a bottle or a blanket!” Obviously what she said is so sweet and so innocent, but I also don’t want her to be disappointed when she does give the baby a blanket or bottle, and the baby… still cries. I used that moment to explain to all three of our kids that sometimes, babies just cry for what seems like no reason! Sometimes you can feed, burp, change, and snuggle a baby, and they still might cry, but that’s okay. I told them that doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong with how we’re helping the babies, but that it’s just what babies do.
At the end of the day, even with all of the preparation in the world, there’s no way to perfectly prepare little kids for such a big life change. However, we are so excited to watch each of them adjust and thrive in their big sibling role, and to help each child develop an individual bond with their new siblings. It is sure to be chaotic, but that’s half the fun!
Step by Step Parenting 