Step by Step Parenting

I will never forget my first Christmas alone after I got divorced.

Because my separation happened in the beginning of November, I knew that the upcoming holiday season would be tough. I would be showing up to Thanksgiving dinner alone, Christmas parties alone, and more holiday events, all alone. I wasn’t necessarily ready to announce to the world that I was getting divorced, becoming a single mom, and starting over, but I had no choice.

Luckily, most people I ran into met me with grace and respect. There were not too many probing questions or boundaries crossed. Most people either offered reassurance or help, and some told me that they had been through something similar and to reach out if I needed to talk. When I was catching up with a family member who had also been divorced, she gave me the advice that Christmas is just a day. So whether I could spend Christmas Day with my daughter or not, the Christmas season could still be special and we could make Christmas happen any day.

This turned out to be perfect advice, because I ended up not having my daughter for Christmas morning that year. In fact, I haven’t had my daughter for Christmas morning since the divorce, which means the last time I got to wake up in the same house as my daughter on Christmas morning was when she was eighteen months old, and I didn’t even know that would be my last time. But more on that later. Instead of having a traditional Christmas morning with my daughter, full of opening presents and marveling at what Santa brought and enjoying a big breakfast, I recreate all of the magic the morning of Christmas Eve. We still “have Christmas together,” just… not on Christmas.

This holiday season will be my fourth one since my divorce. Things have improved a lot since then, but in many ways, the holidays still tend to feel heavy and stressful.

A few years after my divorce, I remarried, so now we juggle two custody schedules instead of one as my husband and I try to navigate the holidays as a blended family. My husband’s custody schedule is written so that despite having 50/50 custody of his kids, and alternating every other holiday, my husband will only ever get Christmas Eve with his kids, and never Christmas Day. Knowing this, and knowing how hard it would be for my husband to always miss his kids on Christmas, I made the tough decision to also give up my Christmases so that our family could always be together at the same time. This was, of course, before we knew for sure whether or not we would have kids of our own.

But even now that my husband and I are currently expecting two new additions, and we will no longer have to be alone every Christmas, it’s hard not to let comparison, jealousy, and bitterness sneak in during the holidays. Here are some of the unexpected ways that the holiday season can be a struggle for blended families, based on our own experiences and what we’ve had shared with us by other families in similar situations.

It’s Hard Not to Be Jealous of “Normal” Families

“Normal” families don’t stress about what to put on their Christmas card.

Blended families worry about whose last name to put on the card so as not to offend or confuse anyone.

Blended families worry that they’ll look like they’re “playing family, even though they’re not, they just are a family.

“Normal” families wake up together on Christmas morning.

Blended families are meeting in grocery story parking lots, at previously agreed upon times, on previously agreed upon dates.

Parents of blended families often wake up to an empty house on Christmas — no chaos, no little feet running down the stairs, no wrapping paper scattered all over the living room.

Blended families try and convince themselves that Christmas can happen any day, and that’s true, but that doesn’t soothe the sting of missing your kids.

“Normal” families can attend Christmas church services together, visit Santa together, and make appearances at holiday parties together.

Blended families are trying to schedule Santa visits and find out holiday party times weeks in advance, in hopes of being able to go as a family.

Blended families will be there if the custody schedule allows, but if not, then the parents have to answer the, “Where are the kids?” question over and over, and fight the urge to sarcastically exclaim we must have forgot them at home.

The comparisons could go on and on, but that’s all they are: comparisons. It’s natural to wish that things could be simpler or less complicated. It can be so hard to not to let the constant ache of wanting to be “normal” overtake the whole season. But it’s important to remember (1) that there are no “normal” families and (2) there are plenty of families like yours out there.

“Normal” families might appear more traditional on the outside, with a two-parent household and everyone under roof, but that doesn’t mean that their life is perfect and put-together either. Every family struggles with something, whether it’s a strained marriage or parent-child relationship, losing loved ones, being long-distance from family, finances, or a myriad of other things. Every family has their own unique struggles, regardless of how visible they may be to others.

Traditions Can Be Tricky

My husband and I’s first Christmas together in 2023 was like a delicate dance, that required careful tip-toeing around each other’s previous holiday traditions, expectations, and memories. Unfortunately, neither of us were “dancers” at the time. We ended up splitting briefly, as this was the largest obstacle we had to overcome during our journey of dating post-divorce.

My husband was used to certain traditions that he had done with his ex-wife and their kids for nearly a decade. He was used to the holidays going a certain way, with the same routine and foods and activities year after year. But I was also used to things going a certain way, and I had maintained my favorite traditions over the years, as well. I had already survived one holiday season post-divorce, but my husband (then boyfriend) hadn’t yet, and it can bring up lots of painful feelings. I remember during my first holiday season solo, I struggled with feeling like I missed how things used to be, but without missing the people who were usually there. Sacrificing traditions and comfort are just a part of the price you pay during divorce. But that doesn’t mean that you have to toss all of your traditions and the holidays will never be the same/

It’s true that you can’t just combine all of your former traditions. This often feels inauthentic, forced, and just… wrong. I feel no desire to perfectly replicate how mine or my husband’s Christmases used to be, because we are no longer apart of the family units we used to be. Instead, it’s easier if both parties pick a few of their non-negotiable traditions they’d like to keep, and then leave plenty of room for new traditions for your blended family to develop over time.

For example, I have fond memories from my childhood of my mom wrapping a Christmas book for my siblings and I to open every night leading up to Christmas. This is a tradition that my husband and I decided to continue with our kids. But on the other hand, Kevin and I happened to make chocolate chip cookies with the kids for Santa last year, and this year, they asked if we were going to do it again. This wasn’t a tradition we started on purpose — growing up, we always left Santa sugar cookies, not chocolate chip cookies — but rather a tradition that has started organically.

Finding a balance of old traditions and new traditions can be tricky, but it’s important. Even if divorce wasn’t in the picture, I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to the feeling of nostalgia and maybe sadness that arises during the holidays. Everyone navigates which traditions to keep, toss, or create, and making Christmas your own is part of the fun!

It Always Feels Like Something Is Missing

While definitely not the norm for all blended families, my husband and I will never have our three older kids on Christmas Day. I am sure having twins of our own will keep us beyond busy, but still, it’s hard to imagine not feeling like something is missing if our older three are gone. The twins aren’t born yet, so we haven’t actually experienced what it’s like to have an “ours” baby, and we might be wrong. Only time will tell.

My husband and I do our best to make Christmas Day special. We save some of our own presents for that day, have a special dinner just the two of us, and try to stay busy and distracted. Rather than focusing on what’s missing, we try to focus instead on all that we’re blessed with. Staying off of social media the days leading up to and following Christmas is also helpful. We try to think of other people who might be struggling or feeling lonely on Christmas, and we’ll reach out to them.

Long story short, the holidays can be a struggle for blended families. It’s hard to avoid comparison , and it’s even harder if you convince yourself that you’re alone in your struggle. It’s easy to wonder if the holidays will ever feel the same again, and the honest truth is no, they won’t. But they’re not meant to, for anyone, blended family or not. Every holiday season will be different than the last, because during the year, you change, your family and kids change, and life changes. Part of the magic of Christmas is that it’s fleeting. Rather than mourning that fact, embrace it, and take comfort in knowing that you are never truly alone in your heartache.