Step by Step Parenting

This November will mark three years since my divorce. My daughter was barely two years old at the time, so she doesn’t remember a time when her dad and I lived together. I mistakenly thought that the divorce wouldn’t have much of an impact on her since she wouldn’t remember any of it. However, as my daughter has grown, so has the amount of feelings and questions that she’s had about her family situation. I quickly realized that finding ways to support your child through divorce is a bridge that every divorced parent has to face eventually, and it is a process that is never entirely finished. Each new life stage your child goes through will bring new challenges that will require new solutions.

This is not a conclusive list of solutions, but rather a starting point to help get you thinking about what might best help your kid. Every divorce and every child is different. Even between my biological daughter and two stepchildren, we have needed to implement different skills to address their individual, unique needs. Helping your child through your divorce requires more than a “one-size-fits-all” approach. Instead, think of this more as a “start here.”

1. Books

Reading books together was one way that my now-husband and I were able to answer some of our kids’ questions about divorce and ease any fears they might have. This book was perfect for when one of my kids was missing their other parent, and quickly became on of their favorites. This book is in a question-and-answer format, and does a great job at answering some of the more complex questions a kid might have about divorce, such as why parents get divorced and how that will affect their lives going forward. And then finally, this book does a great job of neutrally telling the story of a kid who grows up in two homes. Oftentimes, a child of divorce will compare their mom’s house to their dad’s house, and this is perfectly normal!

We started by reading these books together, but now that they are older, I frequently find my kids reading these books of their own accord, or requesting them at bedtime. One of the books is so well-loved that recently I had to throw it away because it was falling apart! My husband and I have noticed that all three kids benefit from seeing positive examples of families like ours in children’s books, so we make an effort to keep a diverse home library that is blended-family-friendly.

One note particularly for stepfamilies, though: read through the book before purchasing it if you can. When I’ve shopped for blended family books in person, I’ve been shocked at how negatively some books discuss stepmoms, stepdads, and stepsiblings. I am aware that not every child has a positive experience with their blended family, and that hurts my heart. I am glad there are resources out there for those children. But we would rather not read children’s books to our kids about all of the negativities and hardships that come with a blended family, and instead foster a loving attitude in our home and let them form their own opinions as they grow older.

2. Consistency & Traditions

Divorce is a huge change in everyone’s lives, parents and children alike. My daughter went from living in one house with both parents and all of her possessions, to splitting time between two houses, two parents, and two completely different ways of life. Many of this is out of our control– after all, I can’t tell my co-parent how they should parent, nor can they tell me how to parent. But we have found that keeping as much consistency as we can, both between households and within our own household, has helped a lot.

For example, my daughter generally has the same rules at both households. There are lots of differences, but for the most part, if my daughter is really acting up, her dad is the first one I call. Him and I parent differently when it comes to screen time, toys, activities, and mealtimes, but we both hold our daughter to the same expectations of respect and kindness. If she is majorly struggling with anything behaviorally, her dad and I will brainstorm solutions, and punishments if needed, together, along with my current husband. I recognize that this isn’t feasible for every co-parenting situation, but when possible, keeping that line of communication and problem-solving open has made it easier to address normal developmental issues as my daughter has grown from a toddler to a kindergartener.

Even when co-parenting cannot be as collaborative as you would like, there are still lots of things you can do to ensure the your child has some level of consistency and stability in their lives. My husband and I maintain the same household rules every week that the kids are with us so that the kids always know what to expect. This includes things like not allowing toys at the dinner table or food in the car. We also try to keep the same morning and bedtime routines, which can help ease the transition to school in the mornings or into bedtime at night. A child of divorce goes through a lot more change in any given week or month than most children, so keeping even little things the same can help give them a sense of security and stability.

On a larger scale, establishing new traditions, whether just with your child or with a new blended family, can also help provide consistency. Our kids know when they’re with us that (almost) every Wednesday is “Waffle Wednesday,” and we’ll make a big breakfast before school. We go to church every Sunday. We go to a local pumpkin patch as a family every fall. Maintaining traditions over weeks, months, and years provides your children with concrete markers of time to look forward to. These don’t have to be perfectly executed, and in fact, my husband and I still enjoy coming up with new family traditions every year!

3. One-on-one Time

When I was freshly divorced and a single mom, my support system expanded rapidly. Since I needed to find a way to provide for myself and my daughter, I had to leave behind my life as a stay-at-home mom and return to both full-time work and school. This meant I was gone more than I would have liked. Although my daughter was well loved and taken care of by my parents, friends, and her dad’s family, this adjustment was hard on both of us. She went from being home with me 24/7 to being at a different house every day.

I had to make much more of an effort to carve out one-on-one time with my daughter. Oftentimes, this was simply making sure that I was always there when she woke up and went to bed. I tried to limit working and studying to during the day, or after she went to sleep at night, so that I could still tuck her into bed every single night. Once I started training for ultramarathons, I had to be even more careful with my schedule. All of this meant that I did lots of studying and running between four and six o’clock in the morning, while my daughter was in preschool, or between nine o’clock and midnight. I am beyond grateful for my circle of running friends that ran with me at insane hours so I could still have an outlet and a hobby during a tough time in my life, all while still spending as much time with my daughter as possible.

Even once I met my husband and we started dating, got engaged, and then married, we’ve continued to intentionally have one-on-one time with our kids. Blending a family is another huge adjustment, on top of divorce. Although it can be very exciting and fun, and our kids loved gaining new siblings, change is still change. We try and do lots of things as a family, but I still make sure to check in and spend quality time with my daughter, and my husband does the same with his two kids. I don’t expect being a blended family to always feel like sunshines and rainbows, so it’s important to us that our kids have a good relationship with their biological parents as they grow older.

4. Advocate for your Children

I am continuously shocked, over and over again, that despite the fact that the divorce rate in the United States is nearly 50%, that there are so many systems in place that just aren’t built for blended families. Be prepared to have to advocate for your child and family a lot.

I’ll never forget my daughter’s very first kindergarten assignment. She was asked to bring in a family photo to go on the classroom’s family photo wall. During open house, I explained to Eloisa’s teacher that her parents were divorced, and asked if it was alright if I sent in two photos: one of her and her dad’s family, and one of her and our family. I even offered to send smaller photos so they wouldn’t take up too much space. Rather than be understanding, the teacher seemed hesitant and begrudgingly said that she could try to make that work… but when I went in to visit the classroom a few weeks later, I saw that the picture of Eloisa and her dad was nowhere to be seen, just Eloisa with me and my family.

Luckily, this is one of the few negative experiences I’ve had when advocating for my daughter post-divorce. Managing expectations here is key — for example, I didn’t expect to be sent two copies of every preschool craft that my daughter did. Instead, it was up to my ex-husband and I to decide who got what. However, I think it’s important to always make your child’s teachers aware of what is going on in your child’s life. I know many of my daughter’s teachers have appreciated the discussions around how certain school assignments or messages might make children of divorce feel, and it has allowed them to better prepare for the next time they encounter similar situations.

5. Validate Your Children’s Feelings

When I was becoming more involved in my stepkids’ lives, I was constantly hearing all about all of the ways their mommy did things differently or the same compared to me and their dad. This ranged from pointing out that their mommy also makes pancakes if we made pancakes, calling out every car on the road that looked like their mom’s, informing us that mommy would let them stay up later or sleep in her bed… the list goes on.

But from very early on, if one of my stepkids said, “I miss my mommy,” I would just respond with, “I know you do, sometimes I miss my mommy, too. But it’s okay, you’ll see mommy in [insert amount of days until transition] days!” Because who am I kidding, I’m twenty-five years old and still wish I lived with my mom! I’m an adult, so I can call or visit my mom whenever I feel like it. But children of divorce don’t have that same freedom at a young age. A child expressing that they miss another parent has nothing to do with how much they love you or how “fun” your house is; they are simply being vulnerable with you and telling you how they feel.

The first time you hear your kid say, “I just want to go to daddy’s house,” or “I don’t want to go home with you,” it can really, really hurt. But just remember that it’s not about you. Our only job is to do our best to love on our babies while they’re with us, and if they tell us they miss their other parent, then that’s a good thing, because that means they’re receiving the same love at their other household.

At the End of the Day

Like I mentioned in the very beginning, this November marks three years since my divorce. I think it’s important to emphasize that in the grand scheme of things, three years is not a long time. While there is a lot of intentional work that can and should be done during those early stages of divorce to ease the transition for our kids, the fact of the matter is that navigating divorce and a blended family is something that will shape you and your children’s lives forever. Yes, this can be daunting. There are days when the thought of figuring out how to co-parent for decades to come feels extremely discouraging. But on the flip side, it also means that there is no rush to figure everything out now. All we can do is learn as we go, and always be committed to helping our children through whatever struggles life throws their way. And that’s what parenting is anyways!