Step by Step Parenting

I wear a lot of hats; I’m a mom, law student, writer, and more. I’ve been divorced and I’m recently married and adjusting to blended family life with three young kids. In my free time I enjoy hanging out with my friends, hiking, creating content, scrapbooking, reading, cooking, and reading. I worked two jobs while in college, and I still maintain a few volunteer roles while in law school. I could go on, but you get the point.

My most-asked question is, “How do you have time to do it all?” and the answer is pretty simply:

I don’t!

Instead, I imagine that life is like this:

Everything — parenting, school, hobbies, a social life, exercise, etc. — are all just different balls that I’m juggling. The problem is, it’s a few too many for me to reasonably handle. At the beginning of every day, if there’s five things I could juggle, I know I can only reasonably handle three. So what does this mean? It means that I start off every day with the plan to “fail” at a least a few things.

It’s impossible for anyone to give 100% to parenting and 100% to their relationship and 100% to school and 100% to work and 100% to their health, simultaneously, all the time, every day. In fact, that’s a fantastic recipe for burn out! So instead, at the beginning of every day, I will pick out a few things that might get put on the back burner for the time being. I might skip a day of running if that means I can catch up on reading for school, or maybe I will study for an hour less in order to spend more time with my daughter. It just depends on the day.

However, it’s also important to recognize that every aspect of life comes with different consequences when you don’t give it 100%. If I don’t give 100% to journaling every day, that just means some days, I don’t journal. If I don’t give 100% to running every day, that just means some days, I don’t run. But if I give 0% to parenting? Well, that’s not really an option. Or if I give 0% to studying? Absolutely not an option.

Balancing Parenting

But what does giving 70% to parenting look like? Maybe it means ordering pizza one night instead of cooking dinner. Maybe it means letting them watch one extra episode of their favorite show. Maybe it means only reading them two books at bedtime instead of the requested twelve. A lot of those choices that might make us feel like failures are actually quite the opposite.

I was recently talking about this with my mom, and she told me that the days where she was super tired and just couldn’t find it in her to make dinner, she would invite her good friend Alexis over. They would just make pancakes while all the kids played. Us kids got to play, and they got to make an easy dinner with less dishes.

I immediately went, “Ohhhhh! That’s why we did that?”

From my perspective, it was just fun! The seven of us kids got to play together and we got to have breakfast for dinner. I’d call that a win.

Balancing School

School is another area of my life where I cannot afford to give it 0% of my attention.

Recognizing when to dial our effort back from 100% to 80% (or 70% or 50%) is a skill that takes practice and gets better with time. Each semester of law school I got better and better at identifying when to take a step back from school, and each semester my grades also got better, so the benefit from learning this balance is clear. There were lots of times I briefed cases sitting at one of my kids’ volleyball practices or swim lessons. Sometimes I would load up the car with all three kids, water bottles and snacks, and my textbooks and highlighters, and we’d drive to a local park so the kids could play while I studied.

Were all of these the most efficient way to study? Not always. But it gave me an opportunity to balance school and parenting at the same time. I still got to watch my kids run around and play, and they got to watch their mom work hard towards her goals. They might not see it that way now, but one day they will look back and put together the pieces.

Being a parent while in law school also means if I’m sick, I’m still going to school. We are only allowed a finite number of absences from class, and honestly, when class is 2+ hours long, you are at a disadvantage from missing class anyways. Instead, I saved my absences for when my kids were sick, my daughter’s preschool graduation, when my kids’ schools were cancelled, etc. This means sometimes I go to school when I really don’t feel great, but it’s a small price to pay if it means I get to be there for my kids when they need me.

Balancing Relationships

The last important thing to consider when trying to “balance it all” is relationships — romantic, platonic, familial, and otherwise.

I’ll be the first to admit that when push comes to shove, this is often one of the first areas in my life that I neglect. It shouldn’t be that way, but that’s how it goes sometimes. After all, my kids need someone to take care of them and grades won’t earn themselves, but my adult partner and friends can fend for themselves, right?

Well, not exactly.

My first semester of law school, I felt so buried in studying and parenting that regular date nights with my then-fiancé quickly fell to the wayside, and I slowly began to see my friends less and less. This worked out okay for awhile… until it didn’t. Relationships are a two-way street, so not only did this approach (or lack of one) hurt my loved ones, but it hurt me, too. Without regular social connection and intentional time with my favorite people, my mental health worsened, and the time with friends I traded for time with my homework didn’t end up improving my performance in school at all. In fact, that first semester of law school was my worst semester out of the whole first year.

So I started the next semester with a new approach. Wednesdays were date night for my husband and I, no excuses. It didn’t have to be fancy — oftentimes it was just takeout food and Netflix — but the intentional time together to reconnect and recharge once a week made a huge difference. I also tried to plan something fun every single Saturday, whether it was lunch with an old friend or hiking with my parents. These plans gave me something to look forward to, helped me keep in better touch with people, and allowed me to not think about law school for even just a few precious hours a week.

Knowing When to Adjust

At the end of the day, mistakes are going to happen. Figuring out how to balance all of the demands of life is a skill that takes time, patience, and lots of trial and error. And just when you think you’ve figured it out… things change again!

For example, when I first sat down to write this post, it was the beginning of summer and I was looking forward to spending time outside, working hard at my internship, and doing well in my online class. Fast forward a few months, and life looks very different: I’m now 11 weeks pregnant… with twins! I’ll admit, when I first saw the ultrasound, my mind went straight to the logistics: how will I balance law school, parenting, and newborn life, times two? But eventually, I realized this is just another reminder that balance isn’t about control; it’s about adjusting when life throws something new at you.

So as I prepare for my second year of law school while also preparing to welcome two new babies, I know my version of balance will look very different than it did last year. And that’s okay. Some days it will be messy, some days it will feel impossible, but in the middle of all of it, there will also be joy, growth, and plenty of grace.