Step by Step Parenting

Nearly a year and a half ago, I was so nervous about my stepson’s third birthday party that I almost didn’t go.

It was my first time going to something publicly for my husband’s kids, and I was scared about how his ex-wife and her friends and family would treat me. My husband and I had been dating for just under a year at that point, but I had hung back as quietly as I could on the sidelines and tried to avoid anyone from my then-boyfriend’s previous life at all costs. My husband had to talk me into going to the party, because I was so petrified of being disliked and judged immediately by total strangers that I almost didn’t go.

Although that birthday party was a year and a half ago, and it was before I got engaged or married, that same anxiety is still present. I still second-guess whether I should attend soccer games, school events, birthday parties, and more. Some days, it feels like I’ll never be fully comfortable in my role as a stepmom.

That first birthday party in January of 2024 was not as bad as I had it worked up to be in my head, but it was also not great. I was definitely given the side-eye and glared at by multiple people there, and spoken to by no one except my husband and my stepdaughter. I had been with my husband nearly a year at that point, so I think a part of me hoped that maybe the tension wouldn’t be as bad, that people who I had never met would at least give me a chance. But I was wrong, and they did not. It was then that I began to internalize and accept that being a stepmom was going to have a lot more mental gymnastics involved than I ever anticipated.

Even in the most amicable of divorces, like my ex-husband and I’s divorce, a new parent entering the picture is hard. I have often wondered how weird I might feel if my ex were to find a new partner who he wanted to involve in my daughter’s life. My first instinct is to say that I don’t want someone playing mom towards my daughter. But I know that wouldn’t be the case, and I always have to remind myself that the more people loving on my daughter, the better. Her happiness is what matters. My ex set some boundaries with my husband right off the bat when it comes to my daughter, and beyond that we have all been able to get along. But… that’s what it’s like when everything is amicable, and everyone gets along, and there are no hard feelings.

Everything is ten times more complicated when there are hard feelings, when people are not on the same page, when people on both sides struggle to set and maintain boundaries, and when there are “sides.” And personal feelings aside, society in general places different standards on stepmoms than they do on stepdads. Step-parenting is hard regardless; I share my more gender-neutral reflections on step-parenting here and here. But it is an undisputed fact that stepmoms get a certain bad rap in the media and society that stepdads just do not. This article does a fantastic job of giving an overview of how the evil stepmother trope came to be. Between Cinderella’s stepmother using her as a servant and Snow White’s stepmother being so envious she tried to kill her, Disney hasn’t exactly helped out.

Every time I go to one of my stepkids’ birthday parties, soccer games, or anything else, there is a part of my brain that is hyperaware of all of the layers of complexity at play. I worry about who will be there, how I will be treated, what I will be judged for, if I’ve been with my husband long enough to deserve being there, if I should hide somewhere in the back or if that could fuel a narrative that I’m heartless and uninvolved, and maybe if I should’ve just stayed home. I never resort to staying home, because I always remind myself that I am committed to being there for my kids, no matter what. I never want to miss out on an opportunity to support and love my kids because of a fear of what others might think. The mental load of a stepmom is heavy, but it becomes lighter once you stop trying to cater to everyone around you and prove your worth as a parent.

I was describing this to my therapist a few months ago, and I blurted out, “It feels like I jumped into a game at halftime, but I don’t know any of the rules!” It was a silly comparison, but really captures what it feels like to be a stepmom sometimes. If a new stepmom were to ask me what the rules are, I would say something like this:

Stepmoms are told to love the kids like they’re their own, but are reminded not to actually call them their kids, because they’re not.

Stepmoms are made to feel like they can’t ever complain how hard navigating a blended family life can be, because they “knew what they were signing up for by being with someone who has kids.”

Stepmoms are told to stay out of their partner’s co-parenting relationship with his ex because it’s not their place, but then have to accept all of the consequences of their decision-making.

Stepmoms need to always include a disclaimer, like, “I have three kids, but…” to avoid overstepping.

Stepmoms are expected to drop everything and sometimes even sacrifice one kid’s needs for another’s, because if they don’t, they’re a bad stepmom.

The list of “rules” goes on and on. Maybe it’s a negative perspective, but it’s an honest one, too.

The rules are daunting. Living by them can be exhausting. But figuring out how to ignore them altogether is just a few steps short of life-changing.

In response to me saying that being a stepmom felt like jumping into a game without knowing the rules, my therapist asked, “Well if those people are going to judge you for all of that anyways, who cares?”

I was cured instantly. I haven’t been back to therapy since.

I’m kidding, obviously, but she made a good point. Why was I running myself ragged trying to be the perfect stepmom, when the only people whose opinions on the subject even matter are mine, my husband’s, and my kids’? All that matters to me is the kids being happy. I don’t need to change society’s mind about stepmoms. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone from pre-divorce life. I don’t need to worry about what my husband’s ex is telling her friends. At the end of the day, I cannot control what others think of me. There can be lots of mental gymnastics involved with being a stepmom, but I can simply choose to not participate.

It takes a lot of self-reflection. It takes a certain confidence that I’m still working to develop. It takes trust in your partner that you will both tackle parenting, together. It takes a good therapist. But stress-free stepmomming is possible.

Or so I’ve been told. For now, I’m fine with the reduced-stress option!