Step by Step Parenting

I’ve been divorced almost longer than I’ve been married, and still, one of the most-asked questions I hear is, “What happened?”

Some people mean well, others are being nosy. I don’t care either way. Because no matter how nicely you ask or how you phrase the question, my answer will be the same:

It doesn’t matter!

Starting when I was a teenager, I have always shared part of my life online. I have gone through phases where I have shared more, and phases where I have shared less, and I have learned my lessons along the way. But from the moment my ex-husband and I separated, I knew in my heart of hearts that there was one line I would never be willing to cross:

I never wanted to speak ill of my ex-husband, the father of my child, on social media, in a blog post, or really to anyone at all.

My ex-husband and I met at our workplace, so right off the bat we already knew a lot of the same people. During our three years of marriage, we grew close to each other’s families, met more of each other’s friends, and made new friends as a couple. Knowing that we know so many people in common, and also just because of basic human decency, it never felt right to air our grievances in a way that was disrespectful to my ex. We have our differences, but I never wanted to make anyone feel like they had to pick “sides” in the divorce. My ex-husband and I always say that there are no sides and we are on the same team: our daughter’s team. 

This does not mean that we never have disagreements or that we always get along. There have been several unnecessarily contentious fights about everything from custody to money to Tupperware (don’t ask). But at the end of the day, that has only happened a handful of times, and we have been able to work through every single issue we’ve had so far.

Us being able to co-parent together is not some magical coincidence, but the result of a series of decisions. It has taken years of honest conversations, forgiveness, humility, and effort.

Neither of us ever planned on getting divorced– who does? Instead of both of us trying to pin the blame on one another, we recognized that both of us were hurting. Both of us were sad. And most of all, both of us were worried about Eloisa. The reasons why we got divorced, our opinion on who should bear more of the blame, and our own hurt feelings all seemed so small and insignificant when compared to the effects that our divorce would have on our barely-two-year-old daughter.

So we decided, right then and there, that we weren’t going to let our worst fears about our daughter’s future become her reality. We apologized to each other for our mistakes, honestly forgave each other, and committed to figuring out a way to co-parent peacefully, for our daughter’s sake. We knew some people might push back, simply because during a divorce some people expect to have to choose a side. But we agreed to not let other people’s opinions of how we should co-parent get in the way of how we wanted to co-parent.

That conversation was over two years ago, and since then, we have been able to enjoy vacations together, we have gone to amusement parks and movies with our daughter, we have planned our daughter’s birthday party together every year, and we frequently will go out to eat or just hang out together. We do all of this because we want our daughter to have happy memories with both of her parents present, and we want to be a good example to her. My ex-husband grew up with divorced parents, and does not even have pictures of him with both of his parents. We did not want our daughter to have the same struggles. Since she was only two years old when we separated, she will never remember her parents being married and all three of us living together. But we’re doing our best to make sure that she still has memories of all three of us being together, whether that’s meeting up for brunch or going to a playground.

We knew this dynamic could change a little if either of us ever got into another serious relationship. When I started dating my now-fiancé, I was careful to include my ex-husband in decisions about when my fiancé could meet our daughter, and in what capacities. I did not have to do this, and many of my friends and families reminded me of such. But accepting that another adult could become heavily involved in your child’s life can be extremely difficult and nerve-wracking, and I wanted to do what I could to ease some of my ex-husband’s anxieties. I did this because I knew that by doing so, the same courtesy will be extended back to me when the time comes.

There have been many learning curves along the way. When divorce and parenting become intertwined, there can be lots of strong feelings. Throw in new relationships, and that can become even more true. If there’s one thing I’ve learned through this process, though, is that I’m extremely grateful to co-parent with someone who is as equally committed to my daughter’s happiness as I am.

When one of us is sick or struggling, we check in and make sure that the other is ok.

If one of us misses our daughter on the other parent’s day, we simply FaceTime each other and say hi.

If one of us has a concern about parenting, and even if we disagree about how to parent sometimes, we talk it out.

When I needed a new job, my ex-husband helped me out, and we even worked together for seven or so months in 2024.

When I got my dream internship offer for my first summer in law school and needed help figuring out childcare, we worked something out.

I even had him read this post before publishing it, out of respect for his boundaries. Since our co-parenting dynamic is the focus, I wanted to make sure he was comfortable with what I shared.

Neither of us “have” to do any of this. We both know plenty of people who have practically zero communication with their ex-partner’s beyond coordinating drop-offs and pick-ups of their kids. If that works for them, then great. But all of this works for us, and more importantly, for our daughter. The less contention in all of our lives, the better, and for that reason I am beyond grateful that we can co-parent peacefully.