Step by Step Parenting

This fall, my daughter starts kindergarten, a reality which I have already cried over at least three times. It’s hard to believe that my baby girl is already almost five years old; but in some ways, it’s even harder to wrap my mind around the fact that I’ve been a mom for over five years. Nobody really says that they are “five years postpartum,” but technically, I am.

I was only nineteen years old when I found out that I was pregnant, and only twenty years old when I gave birth. Looking back on photos of me when I was pregnant or freshly postpartum pulls at lots of different heart strings, mainly because I was so young. On top of that, when COVID-19 hit I was only a few months pregnant, meaning I gave birth during the pandemic as well. My first chapter of parenting was very different from one I had ever dreamt up as a kid. Although there were many unique challenges I faced during pregnancy and my first few years of motherhood, there are three challenges that stand out as the hardest.

1. I had a hard time fully enjoying and celebrating my pregnancy.

I grew up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where I saw plenty of people getting married and having kids at fairly young ages. My mom got married when she was only nineteen, many of my aunts had three or more kids before the age of thirty, and several of my friends also had kids in their early twenties. However, when I found out that I was pregnant, I was not actively attending church. Where I lived in North Carolina, it was much less common for a twenty-year-old to be married and pregnant. People at work and at the college I attended were all shocked when they found out I was pregnant, and was frequently asked how old I was and if it was an accident. I often received unsolicited advice and opinions from customers at work who were “concerned” about me, despite knowing nothing about my life circumstances.

All of this to say: I felt like the black sheep, at school, at work, amongst my friends, and just out in the community. Eventually, it felt like I was bearer of bad news when I told people that I was pregnant, rather than it feeling like a joyful announcement.

Since I was so young, and since I felt a little isolated, I had a hard time leaning into and celebrating my pregnancy. Instead, I felt ashamed and tried to not bring my pregnancy up, especially to strangers. I went out of my way to wear clothes that did not accentuate my bump, kept my head down at work, and minded my own business. I don’t even have a ton of pictures and videos from when I was pregnant. Many moments that expecting moms look forward to — surprising their families with the news, finding out the gender in a fun way, etc. — didn’t even happen because I was trying to avoid attention being on my pregnancy at all costs. Looking back, I realize how silly all of those concerns were, and I’m sad that I didn’t just celebrate my pregnancy more!

2. I had a hard time still relating to people my age.

When I became pregnant at only nineteen years old, I noticed a shift in most of my friendships. Some of my friends and I grew distant– while they were partying every weekend and living what I thought was a more carefree life, I was browsing the aisles of Target for baby clothes and packing my hospital bag.

Other friendships remained intact (and for that I’m so grateful!) but they were never quite the same. There were always hangouts and events I couldn’t make, especially once my daughter was born, so the amount of invites I received slowly became less and less. This led to me feeling even more alone in motherhood than I already did.

However, it has been almost half a decade since then, and I have built up a fantastic support system made up of friends who are all ages. Although those first few years were lonely as my life transitioned from one chapter to the next, I was able to learn who was truly in my corner and meet more amazing friends along the way!

3. I had a hard time relating to other moms.

Most of the moms I met who had similar due dates as me were in vastly different life stages, and tended to be several years older than me. Age gaps don’t bother me as much now that I’m a little older–-after all, my fiancé is over ten years older than me and many of my close friends are older than that–-but when I was pregnant, I hadn’t spent much time with people who weren’t very close in age to me. Not to mention many of them had houses and other kids and years of marriage under their belts, while I was a newlywed living in a two-bedroom apartment.

Hindsight is 20/20, and now that I’m older I recognize that the way I was treated in some instances was simply condescending or judgmental. I was not less capable of being a good mom because I was only twenty years old. It took some time to find them, but eventually I made mom friends that respected and supported me, regardless of my age. I learned to not tolerate the people who made my motherhood feel “less than” because of my age, and I continue to be selective about who I let in my circle based on how they treat me. I might be young, but five years of parenting is five years of parenting! In many ways, being on the younger side when I became a mom forced me to grow up faster, and at times it felt like with less of a support system. At times it felt like it was just me, my mom, some parenting books, and the Internet against the world.

In the end, it all worked out! Pregnancy truly does seem like it was fifty years ago, and I’m proud of how far my daughter and I have come since then. I have figured out how to parent, slowly but surely, and my daughter is now a bubbly, bright, and happy four-year-old. I have learned who is in my “village” and have a wonderful support system. And most importantly, I have gained confidence in my motherhood journey, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Becoming a young mom was hard, but it made me who I am, and I wouldn’t change a thing.