Step by Step Parenting

When I was pregnant, there was no discussion on what my baby would call me, her dad, or her grandparents beyond, “Grandma wants to be called Mimi instead,” or “Instead of daddy, let’s teach her ‘papi’ in Spanish.” The fundamentals were not at issue: I am the mom, and dad is the dad.

But what does this look like after divorce, once potential step kids and stepparents become involved? This can be answered in one word:

Tricky.

A few more words? Messy. Complicated. Sensitive. Delicate. You get the picture- it’s a touchy subject, especially for those involved.

A lot of my early stepparenting concerns (which you can read about here) eventually worked themselves out. My fiancé and I have figured out mealtime routines that work for all five of us, built a support system for when parenting gets overwhelming, and learned how to set healthy boundaries with our respective co-parents. But as our confidence in stepparenting has grown, so have the questions—new, complicated ones that don’t have easy answers.

Who should call who what in a blended family? When we send out a Christmas card, how do we sign it? Do we say “The Allens,” “The Allen-Eldredges,” “The Allen-Eldredge-Romeros,” or something else entirely? Should I change my last name when I get married, making my daughter the only one in our family with a different last name?

I don’t think these questions weigh on me because they’re particularly difficult to answer. The truth is, I know how I would answer most of them. But sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when it comes to anything related to our blended family. I don’t want to upset co-parents, confuse extended family, or step on anyone’s toes—so I avoid answering the questions altogether.

Although it was probably earlier than Kevin or I would have chosen (and looking back, we wish that we had handled it differently), his daughter just… started calling me “mom” one day, of her own accord. No one encouraged her to do it, or suggested it. When we asked her why, she simply said, “Because I want to!”

At first, it felt like a sweet, organic moment—one that should have been simple. But nothing in blended families is ever truly simple. Kevin and I were caught between two instincts: wanting to respect her choice and wanting to make sure it wasn’t unintentionally hurting or confusing anyone else. What if her mom was uncomfortable with it? What if it was confusing for the other two kids?

So we hesitated. We didn’t correct her, but we also didn’t reinforce it. We figured time would tell whether it was a phase or a permanent shift. And in some ways, that’s been our approach to a lot of things in this blended family—we try not to force anything, but we also try not to overthink it (even though, let’s be real, I still do).

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that names and labels don’t always define relationships—relationships define themselves.

If there’s one piece of advice I’d give to anyone in this situation, it’s this: let the relationships grow naturally. Labels will fall into place. What truly matters isn’t what we’re called or what our last names are, but how we show up for each other. We are figuring it out as we go, just like every other family, blended or not.