Step by Step Parenting

What do you think of when you think of a step mom?

Before I began to step into my role as a step/bonus mom, thinking of stepmom usually conjured images of the evil stepmother from Cinderella or the ostracized stepmom from The Parent Trap. The role of a stepmom tends to have a pretty negative connotation; this can be seen in the media, such as books, movies, and TV shows, but also in society in general. Knowing this, I felt lot of guilt and impostor syndrome right off the bat, which made my initial transition into being a stepmom even more difficult than it would have been otherwise.

When I moved in with my fiancé back in March of 2024, and until I moved out that November, the easiest way to explain to people how I was feeling was that I felt like I had been hit by a bus. The longer explanation was something like how when I had my biological daughter, I was showered with gifts and meals, and people checking in on me and sending me thoughtful, encouraging messages. But, when I practically became a part-time mom of three overnight, essentially tripling the amount of children I had to take care of, I felt not only isolated, but judged. I told myself that since I had voluntarily stepped into this role by choosing to be with and live with someone who already had kids, I didn’t have a right to complain about how difficult it was. Stepmoms are often the brunt of inconsiderate phrases such as, “You knew what you were getting yourself into,” or “You’re not their real mom anyways.”

Technically, the last part is absolutely true. I am not my step kids’ mom, and I have no intentions of replacing their mom. Their mom is a wonderful person and a great parent they love dearly, and I would never want to infringe on that relationship in anyway. But the fact of the matter is, for the 50% of the week that the kids were with me and my partner, I was the motherly figure in the household. I, along with Kevin, helped with picking kids up, dropping kids off, doing homework with them, planning and making meals, making sure they had the clothes and toys they needed, and assisting with all of the other mental loads of parenting. I even got a new car to comfortably fit all three kids. I spent as much of my free time and money on the three kids as possible.

I instantly loved being more involved with my step kids’ lives, but that’s not to say it didn’t come with some difficulty. My heart grew, but so did my stress and the amount of work I had to do. The first few weeks I felt seriously stretched thin. There were many days I would call my mom, because I felt like she was the only person I could talk to without being somewhat judged, just to ask her questions about how to feasibly take care of three kids. How do you meal plan for three kids? How do you give each of the three kids equal attention? How do you make sure you’re being fair, but treating them as individuals? How do you handle birthdays and Christmases? There was so much I didn’t know, and I didn’t have a nine month pregnancy with each additional kid to think about it. There was no “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Be a Stepmom.” It pretty much happened overnight.

Looking back, I wish I had been a little kinder to myself. It can be easy to feel like you’re being cast as the evil stepmom right from the beginning, but truthfully there weren’t very many instances where someone actually made me feel this way. Although in the beginning a part of me dreaded going to my step kids’ birthday parties and school functions, because I knew I would run into people who didn’t like me simply because I was my fiancé’s “new woman,” I never received any harsh treatment more than cold shoulders and glares. Nothing I couldn’t handle. I was holding myself to much higher standard than I think anyone else was, including the kids’ mom.

Luckily, her and I have a good enough relationship that about six months into coparenting, I finally just brought this topic up with her. I told her that I never want to replace her or overstep any lines, and that I’m always conscious of just doing what’s best for the kids, and she was very understanding and kind. I know this isn’t the case for a lot of people, but I have always been thankful that at least to me, she seems to recognize my good intentions and extend lots of grace.

At the end of the day, there’s no secret to adjusting to becoming a stepmom. Whether you don’t have your own biological kids, or whether you are becoming a stepmom to one kid or four, it is hard. The double standards that society places on you are always going to be in the back of your mind. It’s easy to feel like you and your family will never fully adjust.

But it’s worth it for how much your heart also grows. I truly mean it when I say there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for any of the kids, whether it be my daughter or my fiancé’s two kids. Kevin and I lived together for eight months before making the tough decision to live apart for the time being, but those eight months changed who I am as mother and as a person. I learned that I am capable of being a step mom, that I can parent multiple children, that I can successfully coparent, and that I am a great, capable mom to my own daughter.

Although it will likely not be until we are married, Kevin and I are both looking forward to the day that we can resume living in the same household and continue on our blended family journey. Until then, I will keep making sure that the kids can play together as often as possible while still spoiling all three of them!