Step by Step Parenting

At the end of 2023, I felt on top of the world. I had just written my thirty-page senior thesis and enrolled for my last semester of college. I ran three ultramarathons that year, snagged a PR in the 5k, and competed in my first sprint triathlon. I had been with my boyfriend for eight months, and they were the happiest eight months out of any relationship I had ever been in. Despite the divorce and heartbreak that 2022 brought, by the time 2023 was coming to a close, it all seemed worth it, because it felt like I had finally “made it.”

A year later, at the end of 2024, life couldn’t feel more different. In the eyes of someone (hint: me) who normally measures their success by the number of miles run, the number of books read, and the number of A’s received, 2024 was a total, utter failure. Once law school started in August, I barely ran at all, my anxiety reached an all-time high, my confidence slowly faded away, and my friendships and relationships were held together by a thread. About halfway through the semester, I didn’t recognize who I saw in the mirror anymore, physically or emotionally.

Now that the semester is finally over, in an effort to make myself feel better, I pulled out all of my old journals. I figured skimming through them would give me the opportunity to reflect and see how far I’ve come. Since November 2019, I’ve filled nine journals, with six of those being written before 2022. As I began to flip through the pages full of memories long-since suppressed, though, what I read… shocked me.

“September 3rd, 2020,

I signed up for nine credit hours this semester, which probably isn’t that much for most people, but considering I gave birth just a few days ago, it’s a lot. I emailed all of my professors at the start of the semester just to let them know that I was due in a couple of weeks, and they were all super accommodating. My goal is straight A’s for the semester, but we’ll see. I haven’t slept more than four consecutive hours since Eloisa was born, and during the day even when she is asleep and I should be resting, I’m doing homework or cleaning instead. I also changed my major to International and Global Studies. I don’t know what I’ll do with that, but I really like it and it feels right. Maybe work for a nonprofit? Maybe teach? Maybe law school? Who knows. At this point, I just want to graduate, but that’s a long ways away- years.”

There were several things that stood out to me when I re-read that. First off, why, why, why, was I concerned about classes six days after giving birth?! I’ve always known I’m someone who very well might be incapable of resting, but now that it’s been over four years since writing that, it’s finally hitting me just how insane that was. 

When I was done being angry at my past self for not taking a chill pill, I noticed something else:

My only goal was to graduate.

Yes, law school was something in the back of my mind as an option. But when I wrote that in 2020, I didn’t even really care what my major was, because I JUST wanted to graduate. When I wrote that in 2020, I didn’t have any earthly clue when I would graduate, just that I wanted it to happen eventually. 

And that’s when I realized that the reason I always feel like I’m never doing enough is because I’m constantly moving the finish line. For example:

In the fall of 2021, I was in the worst shape of my life, and just wanted to be able to run.

A few months later, I just wanted to be able to run more than a mile.

In December 2021, I ran a 5k, and just wished I had been able to run it faster.

In March 2022, I ran a half marathon, and was bummed that I had needed to walk as much as I did.

In the fall of 2022, I trained really hard to be able to finish a 50k, but was disappointed in myself that I didn’t make it past 26.2 miles.

A year later in November 2023, all I wanted was to cross the finish line of my 100k, but ended up calling it quits at the halfway mark, making it my third 50k of the year. I was upset that I didn’t “have it in me” to run the whole 62 miles.

At some point along the way, I completely lost sight of what my original goal was, which was just to run! At all! No strings attached! Even a mile would be a victory! But rather than celebrate it, I just moved the finish line farther away. And then I moved it again. And again. And again.

I made it so that I was running a never-ending race with no finish line in sight, because I refused to allow myself a moment to rest and be proud of what I accomplished.

Bringing it back to today in 2024, the never-ending race I’ve found myself in has less to do with actual running and races, and more to do with every other aspect of my life.

There was a time when all I wanted was just to graduate college at all- any college, any major, any GPA, I didn’t care. This year, I lost sight of that, which is sad, because in May I finally did it!! I graduated! I celebrated for a little bit… but then immediately jumped into law school prep.

As law school progressed, I felt dumber and dumber, studied harder and harder, and before I knew it, graduation in May felt like a lifetime ago. I lost sight of what my goal was only half a year ago, which was just to get into law school at all.

It’s easy to forget that in months and years prior, you used to wish for everything you have today. It’s easy to forget that there are people out there who would give anything to be where you’re at in life, whether that’s related to fitness, education, relationships, finances, or anything else. I don’t need to wait to find out my grades from this past semester in order to celebrate making it this far. Just the fact that I’ve persevered and kept going the past five years is enough of a reason to be proud of myself. At the end of the day, I’m just grateful to be where I’am at in life, and I know it’s a direct reflection of how hard I’ve worked to get here.

It can seem like life is one never-ending race, with there always being new goals and milestones to chase, but it doesn’t have to always be that way. If you’re anything like me, as the year comes to a close and people start sharing the goals they achieved in 2024 and their new goals for 2025, take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come, and just… rest.