I stared blankly at the homework assignment, stumped and unsure of what the correct answer was. This is a feeling I’ve gotten used to since starting law school over a month ago; I often stare at my homework in a confused haze, wondering what it even means.
But this instance was weird because I was looking at my preschooler’s homework, not case law or civil procedure.
“Draw a picture of your family,” the instructions read. And for the thousandth time this year, I was left wondering, “What IS a family?”
Growing up in a fairly religious family (or honestly maybe it was just growing up in the early 2000’s), I wasn’t exposed to many different types of families. All of the nursery songs at church or books we read at school focused on a mom and dad getting married, staying married, and then having kids. The end.
To some extent, I get it. Maybe in a perfect world, people wouldn’t get divorced and less people would get hurt. But I know in my case, my divorce allowed me to heal and grow as a person, and more than that, many people’s divorces are quite literally a matter of safety or freedom. And beyond that, many families are single-parent households, or multiracial families, or multiethnic families, or have LGBTQIA+ parents, or are raised by aunts or uncles or grandparents, not to mention families that grow through adoption or fostering — the list goes on.
It’s not so much that the narrative of, “a family is when two people get married and have kids” is inherently negative, but it has taken awhile for society to be welcoming towards, and include representation of, families that don’t fit the nuclear mold. For a long time, the only instances in which I saw “nontraditional” families were during tragic backstories for Disney characters, normally involving an orphaned child and/or an evil stepmom. I can vividly remember the first time I learned that someone within my childhood circle of friends and family was going through divorce, and up until college, I only knew a few families that were single-parent, were coparenting, grew through adoption, etc.
I had never put too much thought into what defines a family outside of what I was taught, until I was staring at my ignorance dead in the face, in the form of a questionnaire meant for preschoolers, pondering how I ended up in the exact situation that I always thought was not a family.
The answer seemed complicated, but in just as many ways, it’s actually very simple. When K (6yo bonus daughter) saw me typing this, she asked what I was doing. I simply said that I was writing a story about families. Ever the creative, she said, “Ooh, can I illustrate it for you! I can draw a picture!” Not wanting to explain that I was just going to upload photographs, or that I didn’t know how to scan papers from my phone, I simply told her, “Sure!”
She picked up a sparkly blue crayon and got to work, and despite having been a parent for over four years now, and a bonus mom for almost a full year, I am still never prepared for the beautiful, simplistic, innocent ways of children. I figured out how to scan from my phone just so I could share what she drew:
There was a family drawn on both sides of the paper. When I asked her what she drew, she simply said, “I drew the family at my mommy’s house on one side, and the family at my daddy’s house on the other side, since I have lots of family!”
She then went on to ask for more paper, so she could draw the family at her Gigi’s house, and the family at her aunt’s house, and so on. When I told her I was writing about families, she didn’t know the details, and she didn’t have to ask, either. All she knew is that “family” is a word used to describe all of the people that love her; that it’s love that makes a family. Not blood, not marriage, not divorce– love.
My daughter has two parents, me and her dad, who love her very much. She also has a stepdad, who takes care of her and loves her like his own, and is a “parent” to her just as much as I am. She has two step siblings, and she will tell anyone about how much she loves playing with them. Likewise, my two bonus kids have two parents, my fiancé and their mom, and both parents would do anything for them. They also have me, their bonus/step mom, and I can honestly say my heart has tripled in size since meeting them and I truly love them like my own. I cannot imagine my life without them.
My daughter isn’t missing out on having a family, and neither are my fiancé’s children. Just because our family looks different than any of us thought it would, had you asked us five years ago, doesn’t mean it does not exist. It also does not mean that we all– me, my fiancé, our co-parents, and the kids– have all adjusted to blended family life seamlessly and without any heartbreak, tears, struggles, or questions. It just means that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter how life circumstances might change, we can all come out the other end okay, and surrounded by those we love.
I am forever grateful for all of my loved ones who have stood by my side, giving me advice and encouragement over this past year. I am grateful for all of the role models and mentors in my life who have walked this path before me, and gave me advice and understanding that no one else could offer. I am grateful for the people who helped me grow into this new life, who helped me see that I don’t need to say, “This is my family, but…”
And most importantly, I am grateful for my wonderful fiancé, who has been on this entire journey with me. His patience, honesty, vulnerability, and dedication to his kids binds our family together just as much as anything else.
I love you all,
Megan
Step by Step Parenting 