Step by Step Parenting

I snapped my laptop shut and let out a long sigh, relieved to be done with school work for the day. I was ready to get started on laundry and get things ready for bedtime, when I heard clapping, followed by:

“Yay, mommy is done with homework! Can you play with me now?”

My heart sank, and I felt a sharp pang of guilt.

Had I really been doing homework that often while my daughter was awake? Had I ever told her that I couldn’t play because I was doing homework? How does she even know the word homework when she’s barely three years old? Do I not play with her enough?

My mind raced as I tried to pinpoint at what point my sweet, innocent toddler figured out that (1) me sitting at my laptop meant that I was doing homework and (2) that meant I couldn’t play with her.

Really, it’s no grand mystery how she figured it out. She’s never known anything but mommy in school. She was born two weeks into my fall semester in 2020, so I’ve been doing homework with one hand and essentially single-parenting with the other hand for her whole life.

That instance was over a year ago. Since then, I have graduated college and moved on to law school. Getting to celebrate my graduation with my daughter made it feel like that much more of an accomplishment- she has really been there every step of the way! But as exciting as that was, she still cried when I told her I was going back to school and was going to have homework again, and the mom guilt settled back in once more. This guilt has made itself more and more at home as the weeks of law school have begun to go by, especially with every tearful goodbye that’s occurred as my daughter begs me to stay with her while I’m trying to get out the door in the morning.

Now, I have enough experience as a mom to know that my daughter is okay when I leave. I know that some degree of separation anxiety is normal for kids her age. And I remember well that when I was a stay at home mom, it’s not that the mom guilt didn’t exist— I just felt guilty about different things. But that knowledge and experience doesn’t negate the pain that comes with hearing your child say, “Don’t go, mommy! You’re my mommy and you’re supposed to be with me, I love you and I’m going to miss you!” Ouch.

When I think back to my own childhood, my dad was also gone a lot because of work. The joke has always been that my birthday was during busy season. But both of those statements are just neutral to me, not good or bad. I don’t know how much I actually remember my dad being gone, versus how much of that is just from what people have told me. I’m sure as the parent, my mom has a different perspective. Being a stay at home mom of three, her job was hard, and at least on my part until I had my own kid, thankless. 

As the kid who lived through it, though, I remember things through the eyes of an innocent and forgetful kid.

My dad was always there to celebrate my birthdays, whether we did it the Sunday before or after my birthday, or on the actual day.

My dad was always super excited to celebrate birthdays and holidays, and went all out to make sure we had fun. This still hasn’t changed much— my siblings and I have since moved out, but the life-size skeletons and nutcrackers have not (in fact, I think the collection has grown).

My dad was at church with us every Sunday, on nearly every family vacation with us (sorry we went to the beach without you that one spring break during high school, Dad, that’s on us!), and if I ever got home from school to find a York peppermint patty on my bed… that was from my dad.

Now don’t get me wrong: my mom also did A LOT! Coming soon to a blog near you! But since moving out of the stay at home mom life and into a working parent role, I hope my daughter will one day see things the way that I see my childhood.

I hope she sees that the first thing I do when I come home, before I change or study or anything else, is give her a big hug and ask about her day.

I hope she sees that I always make every effort to be at every family meal.

I hope one day she sees that if there ever is any extra money or time, it’s spent on her and the kids before it is on me.

I hope she sees that even if I’m busy, I always make an effort to plan fun activities and play dates and extracurriculars, so she can have a fun and happy childhood.

And most importantly, I hope one day she sees that her mommy never gave up, never stopped working towards her goals, and was always working to better herself so that she wasn’t pouring from an empty cup.

I hope one day she sees that I did this all for her.